When I was only eight years old I remember walking around the neighborhood just before dark. I would peer into the homes just around suppertime. I could smell wonderful things cooking as they wafted through the air. I would occasionally stop and see a family sitting down to eat through their front window. I’d stand there, eyes transfixed. “Could this be what a family is like?” I thought. They seemed so peaceful, happy even, smiling as they ate together. There was no belt on their kitchen table. They’re allowed to talk during dinner.
To be loved, I wanted that so badly……. that it actually ached inside my little chest.
I knew I wasn’t cute enough, smart enough, or good enough. I held fast to the idea that one of my teachers might “see” how badly I wanted rescuing from my home. If I just was nice enough, they might take me home in their back pocket and give me a new life. But…. that never did happen.
No one ever knew the shit that went on in my house behind the picket white fence.
Months turned to years and my fantasy of finding a “home”, someone to adopt
me and rescue me from the hellish existence took on new form. As I entered
womanhood, I stumbled rather curiously into my own untapped potential of
However sex too became a perversion, a remnant of my past, that I wanted to stay buried. Wreckage of painful childhood memories, its unspeakable trauma and hidden scars, left sexuality for me inexplicably fused with terror.
Men looked at me and seemingly wanted me or so I thought. The opportunity for love came rushing to the forefront again. I was a quick study and inherently knew, they didn’t want me, but what was between my legs. So began a deep-seated anger. I resented men. For I wanted their love, their affection, and they only wanted sex.
Sex; used to hurt me as a child.
Used as a game, a weapon, to exploit me, humiliate me, abuse me.
How on earth would I ever find a home now? The broken child trapped inside still in search of love and safety she never found. How on earth I pondered would I ever find my way there now?
I hated my body, it had betrayed me.
I hated myself for being such an unlovable damaged piece of shit. Twisted dreams of going home, that shouldn’t exist any longer. Is there a place for this woman-girl that I am?
My dream of finding love, of finding home seemed as elusive as it ever had before, and fading fast….