The Stepford Addict

I don’t fit in anywhere.  I never have.  I will be anything you need me to.  But none of its real.  I do whatever it takes, act however you need me to, just as long as you like might like me…

I’ve lived in this God-forsaken shit town for 3 years and I haven’t made one friend.  I’m not looking for your pity or sympathy either.  This blog isn’t about that.  I’ve got my pillow to cry into and a therapist who hears me bitch enough about being a loner.   I am a loner, but it’s not by choice.

I just don’t fit into this cookie-cutter community.  Apparently I don’t know the secret fucking handshake in this one horse town.  Most women here are trust fund girls who went to Yale and probably have their silver spoons embedded up their snatch to prove their purebred status.  I’m the mongrel they secretly want to spit on, the girl of which a few of their husbands sometimes secretly steal furtive glances when they’re not looking.  Something about me makes these women uneasy, but I’m not sure why.  I’m college educated too, but I didn’t go to an Ivy-League school.  I had to get to a state school through work-study, scholarships, and financial aid.

But something about me threatens them, because they can’t even make eye contact with me when they’re away from the “pack” all by themselves.   You know, the clique they usually stand in?  The group of women that just like in high school, stand to the side and whisper in hushed tones as you pass by.   Most of them are approaching middle-age and have starved their way to being thin through daily yoga and pilates.  They walk around toting their children they adopted from a foreign country because they were way past menopause when they started their family and because it wasn’t working out having just dogs as surrogate children anymore.

Everything is sanitary, sterile, and healthful from clothing to food.   I don’t think any of their kids have ever tasted a cupcake with red dye #4 and high fructose corn syrup.  Hell no, they subsist off of organic soy and sunshine products that both look and tastes like cardboard.  But those kids won’t learn that until they get far enough away from mommy’s helicopter apron strings.

At the last PTO meeting I attended they were all clambering  who’d take home the compost pile from the Harvest garden at school.   I wanted to raise my hand and offer to take a shit in the compost bag just to see if anyone would notice I said anything.

When I walk by they don’t even acknowledge me.  As if I do not exist, like I am a non-entity, a non human being.  And in those moments, It makes me fantasize about being on my knees and sucking off one their husbands, purely out of spite.   But I wouldn’t.  I have morals and besides their husbands are just as narcissistic, arrogant, and filled with hubris as they are and equally creep me out.

And yet, I am still on the outside looking in.   Filled with a palpable sadness. A long-standing dolefulness that spans years.  The kind of penetrating sorrow which makes one turn a collar to that cold and damp, almost as if to shield oneself from its grip.

It’s like I’m seven years old again on the play-ground and some asshole kid won’t pick me for the team because I don’t have the “right” clothes.    It’s the same bullshit, just that those kids grew up and became adults.  Now they’re still the same pretentious elitist assholes just older….Same as it ever was.  And I, I still don’t have the teflon I need in life to let it all roll off.

Despite what people think, addicts have feelings too.

8 responses to “The Stepford Addict

  1. To some degree or another, I have felt like this most of my life. Like you, I am a loner by default, not by choice. I am an only child and was orphaned in my early teens. Like you, I also live in an affluent community and am not at all affluent. If I want to beat up on myself, I tell myself that no one else can relate to me, everyone either feels sorry for me or looks down on me, I will never fit in anywhere, I am destined to always be alone and unhappy, etc., etc.

    But, eventually I get tired of that. So I put myself out there. I smile and talk to and make nice with people, even when I have to make the moves first, even when I am thinking, “this chick is so much better than me, why the fuck would she want to talk to me?” And you know what? That shit actually works. I have only a handful of close friends in my town, but I have a ton of casual friends. I don’t really “fit in” with any of them, except I do… if that makes any sense at all.

    Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not Ms. Pollyanna-Happy-Happy-Extrovert all of the time or even most of the time. I still feel like the world’s biggest loser who doesn’t fit in the vast majority of the time. It’s all about taking contrary action, though. If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.

    Like

  2. The last line resonated so deeply with me, “If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.” I’ve GOT to do something different, even if it’s painful for me…. Thank you so much for reminding of this~

    Like

  3. Very brave, very true and I wonder if they may feel the same way, even though it looks like they are in with the group They may be terrified every morning that the real truth about them will get out…

    Like

    • It’s all speculative about what “they” think/feel. all I know is what goes on in my noggin. Whether they ignore me out of fear,
      out of being a snobbish bitch, or whatever, all I know is that the Big Book tells me to pray for them.

      The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition pg 64 says, ” Resentment is the number one “offender”. It destroys more alcoholics (addicts) than anything else”

      The cure for this resentment? for my anger at them?

      pg 67 “We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity , and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.
      When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

      But alas, I am still sick and suffering. Some days, I rant and rave and have no serenity so I run off at the mouth at these people. I can’t seem to pray for them
      for I am wounded. I eventually get over it. Progress……..not perfection, right. babysteps…..

      Like

  4. I never feel like I fit in anywhere either. I don’t have any friends in the town I’ve lived in for 5 years. I have acquaintences, but not friends. I feel like I’m missing whatever it is people have that make other people like them. It’s like I can’t connect for some reason. I’m trying to put myself out there more by going to meet up events in my area but it’s really hard for me. It seems like everyone has friends but me.

    Like

    • my former sponsor always said “take yourself off the cross and save the wood for someone else, you’re not all that special”
      she wasn’t being mean, she was just giving me a little reality check that I wasn’t the only one who felt the way I did.
      thank you for opening up and sharing, I don’t feel so alone with this~ ; -)

      Like

  5. ” It’s the same bullshit, just that those kids grew up and became adults. Now they’re still the same pretentious elitist assholes just older….Same as it ever ”

    That reminded me of a quote I saw on twitter the other day. It was something like “people don’t change, they just become more of who they are.”

    But indeed, we all feel like outcasts sometimes, as though we don’t belong. Take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in feeling this way.

    Like

Go ahead, make my day :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s