It’s been nearly 3 months since he dumped me. ….so into to him I couldn’t walk away no matter what a piece of shit he was. Cheatings, beatings, lies…….. For 3 and a half years he cheated on me with various prostitutes, couples, Craigslist hookups, and a gangbangs, and as I just recently found out few men too. None of this was known to me til the last year. But I thought I could “fix” him. I really thought if I just loved him enough, he would stop. He dumped me; a faithful, monogamous woman……to go out with and fuck all them
My heart is still broken.
Last night I finally decided to have a drink with an acquaintance I have spoken with for a year by phone, we shall call him S.
He lives a few towns away. We click on many levels, but he realized that I was entrenched, knee-deep in shit with my ex and he was busy was pursuing a married woman who was “seperated”. So although there has been perhaps some interest romantically on both ends, the point was moot. It has remained utterly platonic and we have never met face to face, that is until last night.
We scheduled to meet at a local pub up the street when he got out of work.
I met S at said establishment at around 11:45. I was a bit late because I had just received a voicemail on my home phone last night around 11:30 pm from my ex.
I had seen his name come up on called ID and did not pick up. Who knows why the fuck he calls me, he doesn’t want me anymore. Oh that’s right he’s a sadist, he enjoys seeing me cry and rubbing my face in pain. Foolishly, I did check the message and what I heard made me have the dry heaves.
It was not the voice of my ex it was the voice of another man,
“Thanks for loaning you ex-boyfriend **** out for the night he fucked my wife real good tonight, she really enjoyed that big cock, I didn’t realise he was into bondage he really whipped her ass real good.” Then from out of the background the wife says “oooo I loved it……ohhhh yeah…..he fucked me really good….. oh he fucked me better than ever ……he did things I’ve never even felt before…thank you very much.” Then my qualifier comes on the phone and says, “these folks are going home now, and now I’m going home. Have a good night.”
So 5 minutes before I have to go and meet my new friend and our first possible “date” I am choking back dry-heaves and tears. I am in the bathroom fanning out my eyes and re-applying make-up. I get to the Pub and meet S. It is noisy and so loud, the cigarette smoke when the door opens is so thick, I realise it is not conducive to conversation. Since my son is away for the holiday, I ask S if he would like to come back to my place. He follows me in his car. I am very nervous as I have not had another man in my home for 3 and 1/2 years.
Things go really well for the first few hours. We talk and enjoy great conversation. I see that he makes some subtle advances and I begin to get nervous because I am realising I am in over my head. Although I like S very much and find him attractive. He does have an amazing body and beautiful blue eyes…..I am not ready. My heart is a mess. and if you know me, I need to have emotional involvement to have a relationship. Otherwise he will be a one night stand. I like S too much, I DON’T want it to go that way. We have been friends for a year. Not him……Not now. But he doesn’t see this. He continues to make advances.
I recoil. He senses I am uncomfortable. I apologize for pulling away from the kiss. I feel like a line has been crossed. I feel like I have betrayed my qualifier in some fucked up way, even though we are long since broken up and I still love him…. that only another victim/ empath would understand. Some fucked up torch-bearer like me. Even though I like how he feels, looks, tastes. I feel what I am doing is wrong. He tells me we will kiss again in a few minutes. He is correct.
In the pale light of the pc playlist going, I am having actual flashbacks. My ex and S are the exact age, height, same hair cut, and in this strange light I am having flash backs of “him”. As S is leaning over kissing me, I am actually seeing my qualifier. It’s my PTSD (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) I recoil again because I am actually leaving my body. It’s too much to handle and so I’m just leaving. S notices something is wrong and asks if I am okay and I don’t know what to say. I tell him “I’m just leaving, just zoning out a bit.” I am more worried about freaking S out and don’t know what to do. How can I explain this to him. The thoughts are intrusive. They are flashbacks, not me wanting to think about my ex. My guess probably largely due to the phone call I had just received. Images of him fucking these people. S continues puts his hand down my panties, I freeze like a deer in headlights panic and can’t seem to say anything, Much like a child who experiences sexual abuse, body betrays me and responds anyway. He probably thinks nothing is wrong. But inside my mind is going wild my heart is racing out of total terror, not the excitment S is feeling. I want it all to STOP.
Something rises up in me and I finally I able to get my body to execute what my mind wants to say and stop him cold in his tracks. I take his hands and just flip him off. I explain to him my position. That once you cross that line, you can’t go back to being friends. and as the words are coming out of my mouth I am simultaneously realising sadly, this man already thinks I am a whore. This guy never had the intention of getting to know me either, the dirtbag. He just wanted what he wanted. Even though not one single solitary man has either touched me nor entered my home in almost 4 years. Even though my ex has cheated on me scores of times, possibly a hundred by now, scar-ily. I remained faithful to that sadistic misogynistic pig. I just want to find love and these guys only care about getting off:
Once S realises I am not going to fuck him. He goes to the bathroom, freshens up and says he is going to head out citing that is will just further frustrate us both to keep going on this way.
I tell him that him leaving makes me feel like my ex used to treat me, that unless I did something sexual, I wasn’t good enough to stay and he’d head back to his home.
S left anyway.
I feel like a filthy whore…..I feel like I have no worth.
all I wanted was to meet him and get to know him better. Why wasn’t I able to tell him I need to have things move at a slower pace? Why can’t I set bounds?
Now this morning I have two pains. The pain of knowing my ex rubbed my nose in some woman he fucked and how much she liked it and her husband apparently watching and liking it. and knowing he chooses that over me. and that he wrote me in an email that he paid $250 on two hookers 2 days earlier for their services. How bad can I be, that he would rather be with a hooker?
The second pain is that my friend S, because I wouldn’t fuck him, left.
The message? Unless I spread my legs I have no value to men.
This must be fucking hell. I must have died on the operating table 2 months ago during surgery. Life can’t possibly hold this amount of pain.