Zen as fuck, Chuck

Buddha sought to find a solution to the problem of suffering.  He knew that suffering is inevitable.  We cannot escape it.  We will all be alive, become diseased, and then die.

Suffering by his definition was more “dissatisfaction”, caused by our own mind.  This dissatisfaction stems from our desires.  Our desires stem from our senses and passions.  Touch, smell, sight, hearing, taste.  Our emotional world, what drives us towards something.   Put another way, desires can become out of balance and become problematic:  GLUTTONY, GREED, SLOTH , ENVY, WRATH, PRIDE, LUST.

Therefore suffering has a cause, our mind causes our suffering, the way we look at things and the way we allow them to become out of balance.

The way out of suffering is to make careful choices about our desires.  Find a way to live with our desires, not wipe them out, nor indulge them.

Neither a hedonistic pleasure spree, not an ascetic renunciant, but a balanced middle way of life.

A state of serenity and peace from suffering, as I am learning, can be found in the practice of meditation and becoming mindful.

An ancient poem counsels,

“Like an archer,

an arrow,

the wise man

steadies his trembling mind;

a fickle and restless weapon.


“The only gate is now, pay attention to now, to the present moment. the doorway to peace is your own body and mind.  There’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing else to be, there’s no destination, it’s not something to aim for in the afterlife, it’s simply the quality of THIS moment.”- 

– Jane Hirshfield- Poet


Lord knows my mind is full of perseveration, obsession and negativity.  I have enough bitterness and resentment that is eating at me, mostly about him.  I find it showing up in my dreams at night if I am able to repress it during the day.  My ex has been coming to me in my dreams since I have been ceasing communications and my compulsions and rituals, I wonder when it will stop.   I hate that he still has power over me even while I sleep.

Although raised in a strict Roman Catholic home, my faith journey has lead me from Latin Mass to an Hasidic Synagogue.  This has already been a lifelong process for me.   Certainly, I find myself in a place of turmoil at present.  I know who my God is and who I pray to every night.  However, the practice of taming the mind is Universal and is open to all.  I am going to embrace this mindfulness practice.  Start small 5 minutes.

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

4 responses to “Zen as fuck, Chuck

  • Imperfect

    We really do have so much in common. Although I’m not practicing, I was also raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school for most of my education. Those Catholics sure know how to create emotional masochists, don’t they?

    I’ve never practiced Buddhism, but I think it’s a great idea for your recovery. Since I started in SLAA, I got into my yoga practice a lot more. Yoga takes my head out of the obsession, helps me stay present, and connects me to reality.


    • lexiconlover

      LOL, those fucking Catholics…..you can leave the Church, but you can’t ever really purge the Church’s indoctrination or the hold it has on you. Yes, I believe you and I have much in common. Would love to talk with you someday, just not sure how to.

      At one point in my BDSM “career” I believed I had quit. Put all those sites behind me. Thought about switching over to Opus Dei. Their brand of mortification was right up my proverbial masochist alley.

      After spending time in many SLAA meetings, I now realise all I was doing then was really becoming a sexual anorexic, I wasn’t “getting well.” It was just the disease morphing into something else. Which, when left untreated……always does.

      Sounds kinda trite but when I saw the movie “What’s Love Got to Do With It” which is the biographical portrayal of Tina Turner’s life; starring Angela Bassett as Tina (of the Ike and Tina Turner fame). Tina Turner became a Buddhist after finally leaving Ike and what he did to her. Excellent film to watch. I never knew about her life, nor the hell she lived and how she overcame. It took her years to leave him.

      Importantly though, it was to be my first glimpse into Buddhism and meditation. The spark in my then 20’s, which piqued my curiosity. It was the mantra in the film she was chanting, that commanded my attention,

      “Nam Myoho Renge Kyo”


  • Stace

    So well written Lexi…. I had the chance to visit a Buddhist Temple while I was in California in Sept.. It was an incredible experience and made me want to learn more and more. I had a great presence of calmness come over me when I was there.. To be free of suffering and attachments was what drew me in. It really is a beautiful way of life. Like everything in life there is something called discipline. I need this. I have the knowledge and now it is time to gain the wisdom. For me that means to to have to knowledge and to carry it out with action. Then I could say I have reach a state of wisdom.. lol. Sooon.. Hope you are well. Do you have msn??


    • lexiconlover

      Stace, that sounds awesome! I would love to do to one too. I need discipline as well. Buddhism’s “middle way” reminds me so much of Aristotle’s “Golden Mean”. Most of my life I have spend in either extreme indulgence or utter denial. Totally out of balance. I don’t have msn, but I could friend you on facebook and we could go from there, let me know what you think~


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