Confiteor Deo omnipotenti,

et vobis fratres,

quia peccavi nimis

cogitatione, verboo

pere et omissione:

mea culpa, mea culpa,

mea maxima culpa.

Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem,

omnes angelos et Sanctos,

et vobis fratres,

orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.


~*~  ~*~  ~*~

I confess to almighty God,

 and to you, my brothers and sisters,

that I have sinned, through my own fault,

in my thoughts and in my words,

in what I have done and in what I have failed to do,

and I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,

all the Angels and Saints,

and you, my brothers and sisters,

to pray for me to the Lord our God.


I don’t like change.

I’ve said this for the last 30 years.  So long now I can say this in my sleep.  Next week the Church is going to fuck with this prayer and change the words to make it “new” version of the Roman Missal.  Where was the voting process? Pfffft.  Yeah right.  There wasn’t one.  I think this is bullshit.  I’m not sure what I”m going to do.  I think I’m going to still utter the old prayers and responses while everyone else babbles on with the other shit.

This particular prayer has special meaning for me right now.

I am feeling particularly large amounts of shame and failure in my life.

So this prayer just can’t be fucked with.  It needs to remain intact.

I’ve been sleeping with my Rosary Beads at night.  They were my grandmother’s.  She prayed on them every morning.   They are almost 80 years old.  She even has a relic on there of Saint Padre Pio of Pietrelcina .  He is a canonized Saint who had suffered stigmata.  They bring me comfort.  Knowing that her hands touched them, she was the most holy person I ever knew.  Never said a swear her whole life.  Went to Mass every day.  She was a good, good person.  Always had a smile for everyone.

My soul is in great turmoil.

At a friend’s suggestion, I am going to try take a trip for a 90 days.  I need a hiatus.  A sabbatical.

I’m nervous about this trip.   I’m going to travel light.  I will bring my Bible, I need to start reading that again.  It has been years since I have read it.  My heart has become hardened.   Stubbornly refusing to go God’s way and instead going my own willful way.  Repentance is on the forefront of my mind.  To turn away from sin, change my mind, change my direction, turn towards God…..

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

4 responses to “Confiteor

  • adamsdaughter

    Good luck to you on your travels, I hope you find the peace you’re looking for.


  • Imperfect

    Our Grandmothers sound very much a like. My grandmother went to mass every day and lived her life like a saint. I used to hold her up as the ideal of what a “good person” should be like. Honestly though, I don’t know if this level of devotion to her religion was a comfort to her or a burden. She went overboard. There was no balance in her life. She was frequently depressed and I don’t think she had a lot of fun.

    Not saying you or even your grandmother was like this. Just reminding you (and myself) to find a balance.


    • lexiconlover

      Good on you, I need reminding about balance.

      I have this friend I met in a meeting a few days ago, Kali. She’s about ten years my junior but has more time in the rooms, more recovery. She reminds me of me at that same age, but yet different as well. She also had a lot of wisdom to impart to me.

      Age isn’t important when it comes to life’s lessons. Each of us has the opportunity to be the teacher and the student at various times. As long as we have the humility along the way.

      I’m an apt pupil in the school of life.

      I’m busy packing my bags. I’ve got a 3 months trip ahead. Never traveled as far as I will be going before. Kali suggested this particular destination. It’s a place I never traveled to either. I like how she kicks it. There’s something about her I just feel like I’ve known her for years. For a girl like me who has issues with trust, strangely, I trust Kali. So I figure I have nothing to lose by checking it out. I’ve never traveled alone, so I admit I’m sorta nervous. But the thing is, the way she described it…….it’s beautiful. I just gotta go.

      “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin


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