Photo Opportunity

I contacted him.

It’s always follows the same fucking pattern.

It begins well.

Starts out civilised.

Moves into discord and tension building.

Old wounds flare up and more tension mounts.

He blows his stack, screams at me at the top of his lungs and calls me denigrating names and humiliates me,

I burst into tears.

He yells at me for crying then says he has to go because he has another fuck hook up to get to.

Which always leads to excruciating pain, and me feeling  emotionally kicked.

*****

Everytime I think I have hit bottom,

there’s a new bottom.

6 responses to “Photo Opportunity

  1. Please don’t take this the wrong way but there is only one way to never hit that bottom again. No contact. There’s a site called Baggage Reclaim you might want to check out. It’s all about no contact and getting your power back. I know this is easier said that done but could you maybe commit to calling or texting someone first the next time you want to call him?

    Like

    • I don’t ever take feedback the wrong way when it comes from someone who’s been where I have tread who has more recovery than I do. I feel like a total douchebag, hence the photo.
      I need to get a sponsor. Forgiving myself is not something I know how to do yet. Thank you for the honest feedback.

      Like

  2. I hadn’t even read the “Douchbags Anonymous” part of the picture. Sorry but that is funny. 🙂 Don’t be too hard on yourself. What’s done is done and you can’t change it. You can only learn from it and move on from here.

    My sobriety was tested less than a week ago. I would have acted out if I knew it wouldn’t bring me to a place I didn’t ever want to be in again. And yet, I sit here wondering if I did the right thing. I’m not going to lie, I want to call him and try to fix what I think I screwed up. I can’t though because plain and simple, he doesn’t care about me and I am addicted to him. Not a good combo. 😦

    Like

    • I obsess a lot about calling and trying to “fix” things, whether I believe I screwed something up or whether he screwed something up. I am not quite where you are yet. Part of my brain thinks he might love me and entertains lots of what if’s with that…. The other half of me is where you are at and thinks he doesn’t give a shit. But ALL of me is in agreement that I am addicted to him so it’s a moot issue. I need to get well. Need to have no contact and just sit with Lexi and learn to be okay alone. Which frightens me.

      Like

  3. Don’t beat yourself up for this Lexi. You are powerless over your addiction to this man. Calling him doesn’t make you a bad person or a douchebag, just an addict.
    You can’t hate and shame yourself into sobriety.

    This passage is from the Big Book of AA:

    “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

    Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

    You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now.

    Like

Go ahead, make my day :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s