10 days

10 days.

I cried today.

in the shower.

my tears blended in with the water.

with the knowledge that he’s never coming back.

there’s a finality.

grief hurts.

healing begins.

10 days.




(stock photo- not mine)

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

6 responses to “10 days

  • effortlesslyperfect

    sending love and hugs your way.


  • Rev. Tony P

    I just wanted to let you know that your thoughs and posts are reaching out any affecting many of us, Love and light to your day and a Merry Christmas to you and yours


    • lexiconlover

      Merry Christmas to you as well. It brings me a tiny bit of solace to know my experiences; at least the words I type, are heard out there in the Universe. I feel less…. alone. God bless~


      • Rev. Tony P

        Benedicat vos Omnipotens Deus, Pater, et Filius, et Spiritus Sanctus


      • lexiconlover

        this prayer is one of my favorites and one that I feel when I need protection,
        it is what it was designed for, when one is under siege……

        Sancte Michael Archangele, defende nos in proelio; contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium. Imperat illi Deus; supplices deprecamur: tuque, Princeps militiae coelestis, Satanam aliosque spiritus malignos, qui ad perditionem animarum pervagantur in mundo, divina virtute in infernum detrude. Amen

        Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in the battle, be our safeguard and protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil; may God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

        I used to attend Latin Mass down in East Boston, but that was long before my qualifier. I wore a mantilla (veil) covering the top of my head in Church.
        I wore a scapular around my neck under my clothing. I prayed the rosary, even said the Angelus. I lost a lot of myself through that former relationship. Sadly, I stopped going to Mass. The good news I guess is that I am finding me again. Finding the Lexi I used to be. The parts that can be reclaimed. There are parts that can never be healed. Never be the same. Have returned to Mass. Returned to prayer. It is slow going but going but I believe I am going somebody someday. Someone new…. A whole person. It may take a long time. It will be worth it. I have a lot of work to do on myself. Being alone is a necessary part of the process of becoming whole and healing. Learning to sit with Lexi, being still and quiet Not running, escaping, distracting constantly whether it’s blogging, listening to music, just running running running. I need to be still, medidate let myself have feelings and sit with those feelings, even if they are painful. Just be okay being with me. I am realizing I am not so bad after all. I actually like spending time with myself. It’s not nearly as scary as I thought it would be this withdrawal stuff. Getting to know myself is a journey, Lord knows I’ve been running from that for a long long time. I do have a lot of love in my heart still to give. The FIRST person I will give it to is ME. :–)


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