I have always been sort of a tomboy, I guess.

Doesn’t make for easy dating experience.

Especially first dates.

“So what interests you Lexi?” some date will ask.

 “Guns” I say,   “as in going to a firing range.”  ( Which for me would be like an ideal first date)  I go on “watching serial killer movies and thrillers, yanno that sort of thing.”  I would continue responding to the question, ” studying homicide investigations and the criminal mind, psychopathology overall is of huge interest to me.”      Driving my car really fast down the free way, racing with another car would be ideal but it’s illegal.  Yanno shit like that.  I would love to learn to horse-back ride someday.”

But when you tell the truth, you don’t get a second date.

Because it’s not feminine.   I guess men are looking for June Cleaver with the apron strings and shit.  Men don’t want a chick who digs manly things.  But that’s not me.  I don’t like to cook, sew, bake, quilt, crochet and all that crap.  I don’t know why.  I just don’t.

I even feel out-of-place wearing high heels.   First off it’s hard walking in them and I’ll be honest, they’re uncomfortable as fuck to wear.  I only do it at the request of the person I have been with, but even then I hate it.

I DO like getting all dolled up for the right man, but it’s only as a means to an end.  It’s because of the effect it has on him.  I do it despite hating it because I know it turns him on.  But honestly, I will never, and yes I will use the word never, EVER, wear my nails some porno length again for a man.  They look like claws and it’s just not me.   I hated it.   I think it looks nasty.    I HATE wearing nail polish, all the upkeep it’s a lot of bullshit.   Maybe that makes me a tomboy? who knows reader, you will have to reach your own conclusions.

Maybe it will render me living alone for rest of my life.  But I can promise you it won’t be me living with a bunch of cats (sorry cat lovers) I just don’t dig cats.

But I will be authentic from here on in.   I can’t fake being some cupey doll for someone else.  It takes too much energy trying to pretend I”m something I am not.  And it looks like I am tomboy-ish.

Oh well, there it is.   They say there’s someone for everyone out there.   After I get my shit straight in a few years who knows.  Maybe my Higher Power will put a man in my life who likes tomboy-ish women?

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

6 responses to “Tomboy

  • suzy farrell

    I like your honesty. I say be who you are.


  • ladywithatruck

    You know, lots of guys like a woman who doesn’t take 5 hours getting ready to go out. My son is thrilled when he meets a hot looking young woman who is confident enough to go without makeup, will go camping without electricity for her blow dryer and who will ride dirt bike with him, and he loves to cook. He’s 28.

    When I started hauling scrap (totally not a feminine job) I was amazed at all the men who were hitting on me constantly¤ had I known men were so into a woman who wasn’t afraid of getting dirty and could probably beat them in a weight lifting competition I would have done this years ago!

    Don’t worry, be yourself, you’ll be amazed at how many men chase your ass. Much healthier too. As far those horrendously long nails! Its impossible to do anything with them. I used to find a nail in the most peculiar places!


    • lexiconlover

      that’s true, gotta just be me and thats the best way to go. my fellowship keeps recommending to stay solo for a good 6 month, a year if possible. I might want to take that recommendations. the people that get “well” and recover are the ones who are willing to go to any length. I want healing. I want to become whole.


  • Imperfect

    There is someone for everyone. You’re not going to find your ideal partner by pretending to be someone you’re not.

    Most men, like most women, are looking for a partner they can do things with, not a gender stereotype. The exception, of course, are those guys on the bdsm sites looking for a “1950s household.” I’m guessing that when you start dating again, you probably won’t be looking for that kind of guy.


    • lexiconlover

      ha ha ha ha, when I was on the BDSM sites I always spoke about liking the 1950’s household model, I think why it appealed to me then; was because I am/was an untreated love-addict. That I was partnered with an untreated sex addict/love-avoidant who was a also sadist who wanted to have complete control over me. It all fell into place. He encouraged me to be submissive and all that crap. Although not that I will ever defend the POS, I complicitly went along with the 1950’s gendered June Cleaver thing, because it made me feel rescued by him…. and that was feeding my addiction. But deep inside, the authentic part of me didn’t like the whole thing. Someday in the future if it’s my Higher Power’s will, I would like an equal partnership with a man. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 even steven because it can’t be anyway, but none of this weirdo controlling shit where I have to jump through hoops to win crumbs of affection yanno?


Go ahead, make my day :)

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