The return of “S”


Can you believe he returned out of the abyss of how many months having passed…..November?

Sending me an email asking how I am doing.

I don’t know why I am shocked, but I am.

Attached with said email was a beautiful song:it was quite beautiful actually.

I think I should dub him the “disappearing man.”

He spoke of existential angst over spending most of his life alone and fear of his mortality.

I wrote back and let him know that his disappearing act and inability to deal with fallout

from discord from his disappearances is a good bet why his has spent most of his life alone.

surprise surprise, he didn’t write back.


On another note “B” left.

After promising not to leave.

After promising not to yell.

After promising he would “never do anything to hurt me.”

Too many promises broken in such a short amount of time should have been a giant red flag right there.

Too many promises broken period.

He told me when he met me, “my word is my bond.”

Then when he has repeatedly broke his word he said, “yes I did, but you had antagonized me and pissed me off.”

apparently for some,  it only turns out that people only keep their word under certain emotional conditions.

wish I was aware of that little caveat


I don’t know who is worse, me for telling my life story in the first five minutes to a man who doesn’t deserve the trust.

or this man who tells me he loves me and won’t hurt me in the first five minutes after hearing it.


But let’s not thump on poor B shall we.  I am no prize package.  I am insecure, clingy, hide my low self-self esteem behind a well practiced false bravado.   My moods swing like a monkey on a chandelier when I don’t get enough sleep.     I should probably just join a monastic sect somewhere, and live Lord of the Flies style, free of the trappings of society with my dildo.


the problem is, the trees don’t hug you back on the island……

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

5 responses to “The return of “S”

  • Jessica

    I personally find your honesty refreshing. I always figure if I’m honest they know what they are getting into. If they don’t like it, they aren’t for me. (Although it still stings a bit.) Be you. 🙂 you’re wonderful. And you know your flaws. You’re ahead of the game, my friend.


  • ladywithatruck

    (((((((Lexi)))))))) hugs to you. Don’t let the assholes make you doubt yourself. Your openness and honesty is refreshing. OH they both sounded so Jclike. Grrrrrrr the nerve to pop back into your life and expect you to make him feel better about himself. And “B” , my word is my bond; OMG that is a JC line if I ever heard one. If any man says that to me again I’ll kick him in the balls.
    What’s that saying? “It’s hard to fly like an eagle when your surrounded by seagulls”. (You know those birds that shit on people as they fly overhead)
    Don’t let the bastards get to you. You are a beautiful, loving, caring, intelligent, honest woman who has a great sense of humor.


    • lexiconlover

      (((Carrie)))I must have rocks in my fucking head dude. I really believed the I love you thing. Maybe because there’s sucha big ache in my heart. A sizable hole. No wait, actually a fucking chasm. That I want to believe in fairytales and shit. I want to believe that some white knight will appear and ride in on a steed and like swoop me up and save the day all in a half hour episode like on the fucking Brady Bunch. Isn’t that supposed to be what happens and shit? I don’t feel beautiful man. I feel pukey. I feel like a piece of trash as he just disposed of me to go find another doe-eyed Bambi who is low-maintanance who will let him fuck her up the ass ans she can coo and call him Daddy while she fleeces his wallet.

      whatever makes him happy I guess.

      we all hafta make choices.

      thanks for the hug, even if it’s a cyber one. I sure could use a one or two~


  • Jessica

    Carrie, please invite me so I can kick him in the balls too!


Go ahead, make my day :)

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