stunning fucking revelation isn’t it.
It was a very good year….
but really it wasn’t, it sucked.
I remember sitting at highschool dances never getting asked to dance.
To this day I have never learned how to “slow dance”.
Shocking, I’m sure. Yes, I’m over 30.
Two left feet I’m afraid, the result of no practice.
It was a vicious cycle: can’t slow dance so run from the dance floor, never get asked to slow dance so don’t learn how to dance…. and so on.
I remember wishing a boy would ask me out back then. I so wanted to have a boyfriend, a first kiss and all that. After going through 4 years of high school alone, and watching my sister (only a year older) have guys pounding down our door wanting to see her, I always assumed I was ugly. Fair assumption to make so I thought.
I didn’t have the “in” clothes that the popular kids had, I wasn’t involved in athletics, I had job bagging groceries afterschool. It was a good way to stay out of the chaos that was my home.
Today, I look at this photo from when I was 17.
At the time I felt like the ugliest girl on the planet, because no one wanted me, no one ever asked me out. My sister later told me I never go asked out, because I wouldn’t “put out.” That me saving myself for marriage sealed my fate.
Now, I look back at photos and think wow! I was smokin’.
Today, I look at my own photos or my face in the mirror and I am right back to feeling the way I did at seventeen. Ugly and less than.
Relationships . Nothing like a break-up to make one’s self-esteem plunge even further.
Unable to keep a relationship afloat to save my life. Developmental lessons not learned, that should I’ve been mastered at a younger age. They are being learned now…….but rendering me at a deficit…..and coming at a high cost in intimate relationships in present day.
But I bet, if I am to look back on pictures of myself now, in a few years; maybe I will think that I don’t look so “bad”? Funny how life goes.