When I was seventeen….


It was a very good year….


but really it wasn’t, it sucked.

I remember sitting at highschool dances never getting asked to dance.

To this day I have never learned how to “slow dance”.

Shocking, I’m sure.  Yes, I’m over 30.

Two left feet I’m afraid, the result of no practice.

It was a vicious cycle:  can’t slow dance so run from the dance floor, never get asked to slow dance so don’t learn how to dance…. and so on.

I remember wishing a boy would ask me out back then. I so wanted to have a boyfriend, a first kiss and all that. After going through 4 years of high school alone, and watching my sister (only a year older) have guys pounding down our door wanting to see her, I always assumed I was ugly.  Fair assumption to make so I thought.

I didn’t have the “in” clothes that the popular kids had, I wasn’t involved in athletics, I had job bagging groceries afterschool. It was a good way to stay out of the chaos that was my home.

Today, I look at this photo from when I was 17.

At the time I felt like the ugliest girl on the planet, because no one wanted me, no one ever asked me out. My sister later told me I never go asked out,  because I wouldn’t “put out.” That me saving myself for marriage sealed my fate.

Now, I look back at photos and think wow! I was smokin’.

Today, I look at my own photos or my face in the mirror and I am right back to feeling the way I did at seventeen. Ugly and less than.

Relationships . Nothing like a break-up to make one’s self-esteem plunge even further.

Unable to keep a relationship afloat to save my life.   Developmental lessons not learned, that should I’ve been mastered at a younger age.  They are being learned now…….but rendering me at a deficit…..and coming at a  high cost in intimate relationships in present day.

But I bet, if I am to look back on pictures of myself now, in a few years; maybe I will think that I don’t look so “bad”? Funny how life goes.

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

4 responses to “When I was seventeen….

  • ladywithatruck

    Oh man can I relate!! Never having stylish clothes, glasses, thinking I was fat and ugly, no dates, even when I did have dates in my 20’s I didn’t believe they really liked me. I heard years later that guys didn’t ask me out because I didn’t seem interested or they thought I was a snob. When I in fact was feeling unattractive.

    I starved and binge ate for 10 yrs, diuretics, ex lax, weighing 20 times a day, monitoring every calorie that entered my body, making fudge and eating the whole recipe by myself and then hating myself. I look at pictures of me and I was never ever fat! I was cute, even as an awkward teen. Every single stage of my life, like you I have felt unattractive but when I look back I realize I was pretty hot stuff.

    If there is one thing I wish I could change about my past it would be the amount of time I wasted worrying about if a guy liked me, or if I was pretty enough, or worrying about being flat chested, or my ass was too big because when I look back I always had dates and that’s all they were “dates” very few of them made any difference in my life one way or the other. I can’t even remember a lot of their names, but they were dates and that’s what mattered; then, not now.

    I would like to tell every teen age girl to never think you aren’t good enough or that whether a man asks you out or not is a reflection on you as a person. The most attractive I have ever been was when I knew I was in control of my life, my choices, and my emotions.


    • lexiconlover

      damn skippy on what if whether a person you are attracted to not liking you back should not equate to your own self worth.

      too bad I didn’t learn that lesson young enough.

      too much time wasted in self-deprecation.


      I guess the most important thing is that I am teach-able eh? LOL


      that I am not alone with all this shit, thanks Carrie, thanks for sharing :–)


  • Imperfect

    Hope you post more soon Lexi. I miss reading your blog.


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