When I was seventeen….


It was a very good year….


but really it wasn’t, it sucked.

I remember sitting at highschool dances never getting asked to dance.

To this day I have never learned how to “slow dance”.

Shocking, I’m sure.  Yes, I’m over 30.

Two left feet I’m afraid, the result of no practice.

It was a vicious cycle:  can’t slow dance so run from the dance floor, never get asked to slow dance so don’t learn how to dance…. and so on.

I remember wishing a boy would ask me out back then. I so wanted to have a boyfriend, a first kiss and all that. After going through 4 years of high school alone, and watching my sister (only a year older) have guys pounding down our door wanting to see her, I always assumed I was ugly.  Fair assumption to make so I thought.

I didn’t have the “in” clothes that the popular kids had, I wasn’t involved in athletics, I had job bagging groceries afterschool. It was a good way to stay out of the chaos that was my home.

Today, I look at this photo from when I was 17.

At the time I felt like the ugliest girl on the planet, because no one wanted me, no one ever asked me out. My sister later told me I never go asked out,  because I wouldn’t “put out.” That me saving myself for marriage sealed my fate.

Now, I look back at photos and think wow! I was smokin’.

Today, I look at my own photos or my face in the mirror and I am right back to feeling the way I did at seventeen. Ugly and less than.

Unable to keep a relationship afloat to save my life.   Developmental lessons not learned, that should I’ve been mastered at a younger age.  They are being learned now…….but rendering me at a deficit…..and coming at a  high cost in intimate relationships in present day.

But I bet, if I am to look back on pictures of myself now, in a few years; maybe I will think that I don’t look so “bad”? Funny how life goes.

About Lexicon Lover

4 responses to “When I was seventeen….

  • ladywithatruck

    Oh man can I relate!! Never having stylish clothes, glasses, thinking I was fat and ugly, no dates, even when I did have dates in my 20’s I didn’t believe they really liked me. I heard years later that guys didn’t ask me out because I didn’t seem interested or they thought I was a snob. When I in fact was feeling unattractive.

    I starved and binge ate for 10 yrs, diuretics, ex lax, weighing 20 times a day, monitoring every calorie that entered my body, making fudge and eating the whole recipe by myself and then hating myself. I look at pictures of me and I was never ever fat! I was cute, even as an awkward teen. Every single stage of my life, like you I have felt unattractive but when I look back I realize I was pretty hot stuff.

    If there is one thing I wish I could change about my past it would be the amount of time I wasted worrying about if a guy liked me, or if I was pretty enough, or worrying about being flat chested, or my ass was too big because when I look back I always had dates and that’s all they were “dates” very few of them made any difference in my life one way or the other. I can’t even remember a lot of their names, but they were dates and that’s what mattered; then, not now.

    I would like to tell every teen age girl to never think you aren’t good enough or that whether a man asks you out or not is a reflection on you as a person. The most attractive I have ever been was when I knew I was in control of my life, my choices, and my emotions.


    • lexiconlover

      damn skippy on what if whether a person you are attracted to not liking you back should not equate to your own self worth.

      too bad I didn’t learn that lesson young enough.

      too much time wasted in self-deprecation.


      I guess the most important thing is that I am teach-able eh? LOL


      that I am not alone with all this shit, thanks Carrie, thanks for sharing :–)


  • Imperfect

    Hope you post more soon Lexi. I miss reading your blog.


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