The ruler

Nearly every morning for as long as I can remember, I have stepped on a scale to measure how much I weigh.

and the number that is displayed ends up dictating my self-worth.

Strange I know, that a number should have that sort of power over me.

I have friends whose net worth equals their self-worth and I often tell them,

that they are so much more beyond their possessions, their material things.

I preach about how the intangibles in life:  health, family and good friends have the most value.

But I feel like a charlatan, because there I am allowing a fucking scale to control me.

****

Most days, in one way or another I am obsessing about my eating disorder.

Getting rid of food that I consumed.  Wishing I could eat and then feeling guilty for wanting to.  Feeling good when I am not eating.  Figuring out calorie exchanges.

It’s insanity.

I wonder what it’s like to be normal.

****

Then when I am out in the world I am constantly comparing myself to every woman I see and how I measure up.

or how I don’t as the case usually is.

How my outsides are not good enough.

The obsession is so gripping and powerful.

I hate it.

****

Why must this blasted scale be the ruler, a way to measure if I am good or bad?

2 responses to “The ruler

  1. I struggle with both my weight and my body image, as well. Most days, I have the body image under control. Even though I weigh more than I would like, I feel beautiful and grateful that my body is healthy and can do all that it can do.

    But then one little tiny overheard side comment from a stranger can unravel me and leave me in tears. So I know this feeling.

    Just remember you are beautiful, inside and out. You are so much more than a number on a scale.

    Like

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