Nearly every morning for as long as I can remember, I have stepped on a scale to measure how much I weigh.
and the number that is displayed ends up dictating my self-worth.
Strange I know, that a number should have that sort of power over me.
I have friends whose net worth equals their self-worth and I often tell them,
that they are so much more beyond their possessions, their material things.
I preach about how the intangibles in life: health, family and good friends have the most value.
But I feel like a charlatan, because there I am allowing a fucking scale to control me.
Most days, in one way or another I am obsessing about my eating disorder.
Getting rid of food that I consumed. Wishing I could eat and then feeling guilty for wanting to. Feeling good when I am not eating. Figuring out calorie exchanges.
I wonder what it’s like to be normal.
Then when I am out in the world I am constantly comparing myself to every woman I see and how I measure up.
or how I don’t as the case usually is.
How my outsides are not good enough.
The obsession is so gripping and powerful.
I hate it.
Why must this blasted scale be the ruler, a way to measure if I am good or bad?