Ever since I can remember, I have had this ache in my heart.
A yearning to be loved.
It never goes away.
Like the speaker on a stereo system, sometimes the volume is more quiet and sometimes it is blaring at me.
But it never goes away.
Sometimes the ache to be loved hurts so bad it brings me to tears, it’s like I am bleeding from the inside out.
I was twelve when I smoked my first joint because my brother grew it and distributed it. I took my first shot of Smirnoff at the same age. I realized it it numbed me out, it blotted out the pain in my heart some and turned down that volume of my heartache.
Love…..love is better than pot, better than booze, it was like popping powerful opiates but better.
It makes me feel like every thing in the world is safe and going to be okay.
Love makes me feel like I am coming home again.
But money can’t buy you love.
I wish I could annihilate this yearning inside me. I wish there was a switch I could shut off, or get rid of this gaping hole in my heart.