I remember walking into kindergarten class and feeling so nervous that I knew I was just different… had to bed different. I was excited to be at school but also felt sick inside because even at such a tender age I noticed feeling “less than” or not as good as the other kids and wasn’t sure exactly why.
Maybe I was born depressed. Who knows.
For certain though anxiety and depression are the steady diet I have consumed since I can remember.
Once, I was sitting in this counselor’s office doing some sort of guided meditation and all of a sudden we were at the part where you start relaxing your body parts one at a time from head to toe et cetera. By the time I got down to my tummy this heavy feeling came over me and I blurted out as I freaked out, “I am feeling really weird!!!” and she said, “what are you experiencing ?”
so I told her I felt sort of heavy and groggy-like….to which she said,
Sweetie, that is what it feels to be relaxed.
Well someone slap me silly. I don’t think I ever achieved that again. It felt so foreign I couldn’t sit with it long enough again. Instead if felt more comfy to swig back booze and benzodiazepines.