Pour me, Pour me, Pour me a drink….


It’s back….or maybe it never went away in the first place, perhaps I just buried it alive somewhere in my psyche and now it’s re-surfacing.

I find myself feeling so desperately alone.   My man left, but even before he did.   Lately it felt like he was a million miles away even while he was in the very same room .

I sometimes wonder if I am cursed.  I have entertained that notion many times.  Did I rape and pillage an entire town in some past life to deserve this kind of bad karma?

Am I some sort of devil spawn and not a child of God?

If I am a child of God, why does He permit me this continual emotional pain?

Did I somehow sign up for this shit in some cosmic time warp? and not read the fucked-up time warp fine print?

I wish this ache in me would go away.  Death seems inviting when the pain reaches this high.

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

2 responses to “Pour me, Pour me, Pour me a drink….

  • Carrie Reimer

    ((((((((((hugs))))))))) Lexi !! I am so sorry!! If I could I would come sit with you and let you cry on my shoulder. You did nothing wrong my friend! Some people float through life unscathed oblivious to everyone else’s heart ache because they have never suffered loss. Then there are the other people who seem cursed with bad “karma”. I don’t know why some people are chosen to suffer more maybe they are deeper and more caring so they just hurt more.
    Don’t give up Lexi!! I know the feeling of “why bother” , so sick of hurting I wanted to die. In fact 2 years ago I failed my attempt to just end it. Heart broken, financially broken, emotionally broken and barely surviving. Last summer this time I was contemplating trying again because a whole year had gone by and my life had only gotten worse. But I made it day by day and I am the happiest I can remember ever being ever. You never know what lies around the next corner or what is just past the crest of that hill.
    I don’t know what I did to change it, as far as I know I did nothing; it has to be a God thing. Maybe all I did was give up and then God could put his plans in motion without me trying to force things to go MY way.
    But God does have a plan you just have to hang in there. I care Lexi!!


    • lexiconlover


      thank you for the hug. I’ve been praying for relief and I guess that God sought for me to receive your support. Thank you!!! I think you are correct about the giving up and letting God. That is so hard for me but I need to keep on practicing that process, maybe it will become easier over time. Thanks for caring Carrie :- -)



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