I was cleaning out my closet today and found several greeting cards that my ex gave me over the years.
One card in particular stood out, he had sent me from when he was in one of the 8 detoxes that spanned our four year relationship. This one was at the halfway mark. Inside the card he had picked a wildflower from the grounds where he was staying. Over time it has yellowed with age and become perfectly flat. He had inscribed on the card, “I love you and miss you so much!! I’m just not the same without my love next to me. I love you! Love, C. He drew a giant smiley face on the blank side of the card.
My heart warmed instantly when I read it. My mind goes back to that time-space, remembering him, remembering us. How much I enjoyed him. The nice him, before…. His words in this card seem so genuine and caring….and for a moment or so I bask in that warmth. A tiny piece of what I used to have.
Then, it slips away and is shattered as the icy reality floods my veins. As I have to remind myself that he was but an actor, who only pretended to love me. All a part of an illusion. To con me. Use me. Then discard me. Cognitive Dissonance….Then the familiar sick-ish feeling comes over me again.
I wonder if I should bury the cards in a mock funeral to remember the memories of the man that I thought that I had ?
How do you grieve someone who is still alive?