Miss Scarlet, in the Library, getting f***ed with the revolver

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Clue, don’t cha know.   I should get a clue by now.  That fantasy is way better than reality.  Always.

I have been in a relationship with a vanilla man for 5 years now.  I know that it’s “healthy” for me.   But I’d be a liar to say I don’t miss the intensity of what I had living the D/s lifestyle.   I was never in a 24/7 TPE.  Pfffft.  I was too feisty to submit beyond the bedroom.   I have pangs to return to kink from time to time, especially when I read others’ blogs. It brings back memories. Some good, some not.  I still make my pilgrimage back to my blog on alt.com to see what my buddies are up to, even if they don’t see me looking.

I think the most fucked up thing I ever let my Dominant do was to shove his Walther PPK .32 caliber handgun in my pussy.

When I showed Lee the photos of that, she didn’t even blink.  She was more interested in how I felt about sharing this  with her.  Typical. It’s always ‘how do I feel’.  Hell I don’t have feelings much these days, I feel empty.

What’s to feel about it? It’s a photo.  I have many more in the same vein.    She asks the wrong sorts of questions, it seems.  Or maybe I’m the one just not saying  enough.   For instance I never told her that I recently called my former Dominant.

Two steps forward and ten-thousand light years back……least that’s how it feels tonight.

Everyone knows Miss Scarlet was a whore and everyone knows Professor Plum was doing her.

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

6 responses to “Miss Scarlet, in the Library, getting f***ed with the revolver

  • Secret Keeper

    Feelings? What are those?! Steps forward, steps backwards. You’re still getting somewhere with each step forward. Keep stepping. ❤️

    Like

  • lexiconlover

    Indeed, it is hard to accept as truth. How can I not be defined by something that has left such an indelible imprint upon me. My sexual turn-ons, sights and smells which make me retreat and run, OCD, I could go on. Understanding and acceptance are two different things I think. I’m far from the latter.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    I want to impart some words of wisdom that would release you from the weight of shame you pack because I think you are so awesome!
    But I don’t have anything profound to say.

    We always think we are way worse than anyone else. We think we are sick for our thoughts and desires. There are evil people in the world, narcissists, sociopaths, people who do as they please without a moment of guilt or remorse. THOSE are the sick “bad” people who will never change because they are born that way, their brains do not function like a normal person. You, me, and anyone else who is beating themselves up for stupid shit they did in the past are normal.

    You are not a finished product, your past does not have to define you, until your final breath, it is not over, you grow, learn, and if you choose; become a better you.

    Upon close inspection of all my screw ups I could see one constant; I had not listened to my gut. Every. Single. Time. So with this new insight I said, “Fuck them all!!” I am not doing anything every again that goes against my core values and beliefs, or what my gut is telling me.

    Good to see you back Lexi, hugs to you. Sorry for high hacking your post. 😪😚

    Like

    • lexiconlover

      We’ve been both been blogging since 2011 Carrie, our stories are very similar. You were probably the first person who I connected with here on WP. “Fuck ‘em all” is a good enough credo as any. *Hugs*

      Like

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