They came, they knocked, I kicked ass

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The Jehovah’s Witnesses have been coming to my house for awhile now.

The first time they came, there were two women all gussied up at the door and another one sitting in the car.  I thought perhaps there had been a nearby car
accident or something when they first knocked.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“This pamphlet is for you and is free.” they said as they handed me this small brochure.

I didn’t want it but it had the word GOD in
huge capital letters across the front and in
some fucked up way I felt almost a superstitious kind of guilt, that if I didn’t take it, perhaps some kind of hex may befall me.

They asked if they could come in, which I thought was really forward. I mean one chick could’ve hog-tied me and the other could have maybe made me her bitch.
I told them no, it wasn’t a good time.  An utter boldface lie as I was binge-watching Judge Judy at the time in sweat pants and a tee shirt.  They said they’d come back later.

The pamphlet had a picture on the front with Panda Bears having a picnic lunch sitting next to some Zebras, which were sitting next to some Kangaroos,  which were sitting next to a little girl, who was
sitting next to a puppy.

The whole thing was fucked up.

Panda Bears and puppy’s don’t have lunch together like that. It’s just not natural….I thought. If this. is their idea of “paradise” I’m just not down with that.

Two weeks passed.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I see it’s them and start forming my excuse as to why I don’t want them
to come in.  They want to know if I had read their pamphlet.  Of course I hadn’t but I kept it for the same effed up weird fear that throwing it out might
invite some bad Karma my way.

They asked if they could come in, I told th once again that it was a bad time. They said they’d come back later.

Another two weeks passed.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

A sick feeling comes over me. I think of an excuse as I make my way to the door. They ask if they can come in, I told them I was busy, though clearly they can see I look like the dawn of the dead and I just rolled out of bed. They said they’d come back later.

Two more weeks pass.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
I peer through the blinds.
It’s them.
I hide.
I wait.
They eventually leave.   I can’t believe I’m hiding in my own home from these freaking people.   It’s like some crazy episode of the Twilight Zone.

1 week later…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
my stomach drops.
“this can’t go on I think,
I have to take the bull by
the horns…
” and yet I don’t
like confrontation, I am intimidated
by these people and their
Pollyanna-esque-just-got-off the-Surrey-with-the-fringe-on top weird vibe.

I go to the door and swing it
open wildy. Before they even
have a chance to speak I blurt out in my loudest speaking voice:

“I DON’T YOU TO COME BACK ANYMORE.
DON’T KNOCK ON MY DOOR AGAIN. PLEASE
DON’T COME BACK.”                                        I shut the door just as fast.

They have not returned since.

All this time and it
was just that easy?
I could get used to this
being assertive thing.
Yes indeed.

 

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

4 responses to “They came, they knocked, I kicked ass

  • gabfrab

    Dude. You didn’t lie the first time. Judge Judy is 100% a legit excuse to ignore someone. She’s so great. I only had five channels growing up so my sis and I watched Maury then Judge Judy every single day after school. My fav episode was a guy who brought a briefcase into the courtroom. Halfway through he opened it up and it was full of jelly donuts. He started eating them as Judy spoke. When she told him to cut it out he spit his chewed up donut onto the floor. It was hilarious. I’ve tried finding clips of that episode but this was almost twenty years ago and none seem to exist. To this day my sister and I watch Judge Judy clips on Youtube. It’s one of our fav things to do together.

    I grew up in the country with my grandma down the road. Whenever a religious person came to my grandma’s she’d call over to us to give the heads up so we could hide from them. I remember my sis and I hiding under our mom’s bed so the Jehovas Witness dude or whoever wouldn’t see us. We were all freaked out we’d somehow be spotted. We did the same thing with the Fuller Brush lady who came around once or twice a year to try sell us cleaning supplies. She was really weird. I mean who goes door to door selling fucking oven cleaner?

    Finally, I was on a Youtube kick a few weeks ago of Jehovas Witness propaganda films. They make these creepy parable and moral lesson short films that are shitty but fun to watch. The JWs are pretty fascinating people. I saw some at a farmer’s market a week or two ago but no one was going up to them. Poor them 😦 I think you should join just so their feelings aren’t hurt.

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      I’m thinking your right. Sigh. All these guilty years later it just seems like the right thing to do. Even though the stats aren’t in my favor for me being one of the chosen “saved” ones it seems like it’s worth rolling the dice.

      For me it was the Electrolux salesman. He came and dropped a bunch of dirt on our floor and we sat on the couch and watched while he sucked it up. We never did buy even a bag from him. My brother was too busy selling dime bags of weed from behind our shed. Stupid salesman. I liked watching his bit though. Made me learn a lot about what made a bad hustle, came in handy later on in life.

      I still haven’t ruled out becoming someone’s ass slave or maybe doing a summer internship working the glory holes. I’m keeping my options open.

      Liked by 1 person

      • gabfrab

        I can’t remember if JWs are the ones with the whole only 144,000 people are going to Heaven thing but I’m sure you’re one of the chosen few.

        I just had to look up what an Electrolux is. That’s hilarious that he did a live demo for y’all. Some dude I went to grade/high school with sold these hideous white shoes on commission. They had a giant circular heel that was way wider than the rest of the shoe. They were supposed to make you jump higher. He tried selling a pair of them to my mom (who is not a basketball player). Anyways, sometime after high school I heard he was selling vacuums door to door.

        When I lived in Minneapolis I lived with this old ass dude who had a 19ish son who was afraid of the number two. The old dude told me his son traveled from Minnesota to Arkansas to learn how to be a door to door encyclopedia salesman. The old man thought that was a great career choice where his kid could make a lot of money. This was 2011/2012! I mean good god. As for the bad hustle comment, were you a scuzzy salesperson at some point? Have you written about it?

        Best of luck with your glory hole job. I’ll leave you with a line I wrote about the time I got diarrhea from drinking super cheap vodka that’d boiled in my trunk for days: “It tastes like the solvent used to sizzle jizz off a glory hole.”

        I’ll send some of the solvent your way 🙂

        Like

      • Lexicon Lover

        Me a bad salesperson? I can talk a dog off a meat wagon. Sales were not my career path but the art of the sell always comes in handy in the game of life.

        Thanks for the line, love that. Sounds like you’ve done a lot in that trunk of yours. Add to the list “solvent making 101” Back in the day before the Clorox cleanup wipes people used Vodka, it makes an excellent cleaning solution. “Have a pop while you clean up”. Now there’s an award winning ad campaign! ha ha ha

        Come to think of it I think I’ll need something a bit stronger for my internship, maybe some H2S04…..🤔

        Liked by 1 person

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