Broken

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It’s a difficult decision whether or not  to file for bankruptcy.  Particularly in business.  When you have invested so much sweat equity, borrowed on margin at times, and given your last dime to see the thing through.

There comes a time though, when there simply is no return on your investment and you’re in the red.   It’s time to realize it’s gone belly up.  Time for Chapter 11.

So too, a relationship can go the same way.   You read the self-help books, voiced your concerns, arguments happened, distance occurred .  You moved to going to individual therapy, you voiced your concerns, arguments still happened, more distance occurred.   You did the couples counseling gig, the proverbial shit really hit the fan, distance? no…. now there was  just resentment and lots of it.

No one wants to lose such a long-term investment.  But when it becomes a daily dose of vitriol an untenable battlefield emerges, it becomes a veritable toxic environment.  It has become a relationship on life-support.

I find myself in such a position.  My logical brain tells me it’s way past the time to let go and move on and yet my emotions make me second guess my decision.

It’s tearing me up inside and I’ve become physically ill and worn thin.  I can’t sleep anymore, I’m anxious most of the time, I don’t feel joy.  All of this has been ongoing, while I was trying to my bury my mum, who was my best friend, my touch stone.

I rather feel like a gutted fish about now.  The one person who I could always turn to for direction, is with God.  Wherever that is.   I just wish they had WordPress there, so she could could read this and write me back a reply with what to do with my crazy pain-filled shit-show of a life.   She always seemed to know just what to say, from the sage advise to a self-effacing comment to keep me going.  She was always my North Star, I just never thought she’d be up in the sky.   ⭐️

 

 

 

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

7 responses to “Broken

  • Fractured Faith Blog

    I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you make the best choice for yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Lexicon Lover

    Thank you 💗

    Like

  • 140characterchristian

    I have lost people close to me, people who I depended on when I was going through a crisis. My heart is breaking for you right now. It reminds me of the pain I felt in broken relationships I had. Please know there is hope — somehow I found it when it seemed impossible. Somehow God found me and lifted me out of my pit of despair.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Secret Keeper

    So I read this post the day you published it. LITERALLY seconds after I was crying in prayer to God about my marriage and wanting out so badly but I didn’t know how. I wondered in if it was God telling me through your words in that moment that it is time. It freaked me out, honestly, to read this after pouring my heart out. I couldn’t comment, even though I wanted to tell you what had just happened, it just froze me. Why? I think because of what you said.

    “I find myself in such a position. My logical brain tells me it’s way past the time to let go and move on and yet my emotions make me second guess my decision.”

    THIS IS ME. I can not for the life of me imagine a life without him, despite the crap he has done to me and our marriage. It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking. It has made me feel so defeated and low and worthless. I literally hate myself and my body. I feel like I have nothing to offer, that’s there’s nothing special about me…that I’m a tool for his success. But despite this, I don’t ever leave. I cling to the little positives. The what if’s. But I get pounded every day with triggers and reminders of his affairs and horrible treatment towards me.

    I’ve never been treated with pure love. It has always been conditional or else. I have only been used, not treasured. It has been my normal. Abuse and neglect. Complex trauma…over and over. I’ve learned to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. New and unknown? Freaks me out. Unknowns is where trouble begins. Abuse and torture surfaces in the unknown. At least I know where I stand here and what to expect. It seems foolish to dream of better. I try but the dreams don’t stick.

    Like

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