The God Sessions

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When I was a little girl, I used to say my prayers every night before I went to bed.  I was raised Catholic and so I started my prayers by making the sign of the cross, “ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.“

I would then recite the Lord’s Prayer also known as an “Our Father” then move to a “Hail Mary.”  It was more to help me understand each word as well as to remember the prayers.  When through with those,  I would start asking God to bless my mom and dad,  brothers and sisters, and grandparents.  Then I would start going up our street mentally and ask for blessings for all my friends and their moms and dads, their brothers and sisters  (all by names) until I went down the whole block.  Then I got to my teachers at school, pets that lived in our neighborhood, special intentions for anyone I knew that was ill.  I included the children that were starving in Africa. Every night when Mom had to scrape our dinner plate into the trash she reminded us how there were kids starving in Africa and how they gladly would eat all this food that she was scraping off.  Then I always asked God to please help the person who needed it the most.    I wanted God to help that person first as I knew someone always has it worse than another.

During the day I had an abundant prayer life as well but it was a bit more quirky.  It was magical-thinking meets superstition meets magic 8-ball.

I would stand in my driveway by myself with my basketball and talk to God. In these God sessions I’d ask him important stuff as well as the very mundane.  No question was too big or too small.   Like,”are my parents going to let me sleep over Cindy’s house?” Then I’d hurl the basketball up into the net.  Mind you my little body and hands were so small I had to throw underhand.  If the ball went in the answer was yes.  If it missed that meant God was saying no.

If I was really disappointed with God’s answer, as the case sometimes was, I would say, ”let’s do this three times and 2 our of three times will decide.”  After doing  best out of three,  I would finally have acceptance at that point.

The thing was, I truly believed that God was speaking to my 8-year-old self through that basketball net. It wasn’t hocus pocus. Only now in retrospect do I feel a bit silly.  But only for a moment.  The larger part of me feels wistful and wishes I could go back in time and recapture that time again.   My faith was strong then.  I had such a deep connection to God.

I’ve had prayer life and deep faith for most of my life.  Now,  I feel so lost and don’t know how to get that back.  I’m scared.  What if I can’t? Maybe its the evil one whispering that to me?  But if I can get my prayer life back, how do I?  how?

 

 

 

About Lexicon Lover


5 responses to “The God Sessions

  • Secret Keeper

    “I’ve had prayer life and deep faith for most of my life. Now, I feel so lost and don’t know how to get that back. I’m scared. What if I can’t? Maybe its the evil one whispering that to me? But if I can get my prayer life back, how do I? how?”

    Yes, I’ve reached this point I feel too. I’ve wondered lately…is God even listening? If He is, why isn’t He helping? Why isn’t He rescuing me? Opening doors to freedom? I have a lot of “why’s” lately. Sometimes I just don’t know what to pray anymore. And how do I hear His voice? How does He talk to me? Am I just missing His voice somewhere in the mess of voices in my head? I wonder…is that God’s telling me this or my own thoughts?

    I was “raised Catholic” too. Meaning, we went to church every week for show. I went to catholic schools through high school and automatically started sending my kids to Catholic schools in preschool until I actually found God. Then I pulled them out, went to a non denominational church and learned all about who God really was and taught them too. That is when my faith was born. I think God was always with me as a child, and I see that now sometimes in hindsight. I wouldn’t have survived what I did if He wasn’t. But I was just too frozen and dissociated and brainwashed to even know how to relate to Him during those years.

    Your faith is still there. I hear it in your words. I tend to think for me sometimes when I feeling this way is that yes, Satan is messing with my head. Planting seeds of doubt, telling me I’m not worth God’s effort and attention, that He doesn’t see me or hear me. Asshole.

    Feelings come later for me sometimes too. I have to go through the motions and then eventually the feelings will follow. I apply this to my prayer life. I’m in a stage where I have to force myself to pray…I know the connectedness will return…once the barriers and the walls in my heart and head soften and come back down…why they went up? That’s what I pray about…I try to figure it out. I cry, I whine, I rant, I complain…I’m getting it all off my chest to clear the way for the real conversations. The thing I love about that is God doesn’t care or get sick of it. He sits with me and listens and waits as I work through it. Maybe this could be somewhat of a similar process for you. Maybe you could just try to talk to God again. Don’t worry about formality, or what you say. Shoot some free throws, tell Him this is where you are starting again…say this…Father, if I make this basket then I know you are listening. If I don’t, I know you’re still listening. Maybe your first “wall” comes down there with acceptance that He’s listening and you don’t have to rely on the bargaining, magic eight ball any more? So when you “fail” and miss the basket, you still have His ear to work through what’s on your heart? I don’t know. I’m rambling now and not making sense I’m sure.

    Don’t be scared. There’s no right or wrong way. I think you just start talking. And keep talking. The feelings and connectedness will follow and come back. I’m going to pray for that for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lexicon Lover

      Thank God for you SK, for you are the first person to have the compassion to actually give me a template on “how” I may go about getting back the connectedness to God of which I have been yearning for.

      People want to offer help with their through their stodgy platitudes “give it time dear, it always has its way of itself out working out.” Or better still, tell me to rattle off some rote prayers that seem perfunctory and obligatory. I feel more connected to watching the 1950’s cartoon Davey and Goliath than I do reciting rote prayers.

      I love your idea! Maybe it’s time to get the basketball out and stand at the free throw line, and start talking. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
      ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 ~LL

      Liked by 1 person

  • justsaltwriter

    Oh, I can very much relate to this one. So much of it!

    Just very recently, I was pondering that and I recognized there is a difference between faith and trust. I believe that my faith in God has actually always been strong, BUT: It was my TRUST in Him that was so compromised from having unloving and abusive family members.

    as a child I used to pray over my sick pets. When I lost one anyway, I felt like God had abandoned me. It was rough. I think those experiences of me constantly turning to Him for every little thing is very sweet but it may also have been some of what led to me not trusting God fully either.

    Early in my recovery one of my children thought our pet cat was dying, he said his immediate thought was ‘oh no, mom’s not home, what am I going to do if the cat’s actually dead? I just want my mom right now!’ (Cat was fine, just very old and sleeping deeply.)

    Nonetheless, hearing him tell me about his reaction was a brutal moment of reality for me. I realized that when I was a kid, noticing a pet was sick or might be dead, I ran away from my parents and other family members and ran out to the backyard and prayed earnestly to God. Unlike my son, my own mom was not the first person who came into my mind for help during a traumatic moment. God was. Now, I wish I could get there again–to where I turned to Him first above all others when something scary is happening.

    Blessings and love to you!

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      Awwww, that is such a sweet story how you ran to the back yard and prayed to God. I’m so sorry that you suffered too as a child. Blessings and love to you as well! xo ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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