Lately I find myself slipped back into darkness. With only 2 choices circling in my grasp: getting into my car to drive away, leaving everyone / everything familiar behind and suicide.
The latter seems more practical than the former on so many levels. My parents both dying within 3 months of each other this past January and April is weighing on me more heavily than words can express. My mom has been the hardest grief to hold. Missing her is like having a piece of my heart cut out. The bleeding just doesn’t stop and the nightmare of losing her, my best friend and only rock, never ends.
I’ve also suffered another major loss, just not a death. The loss of my young teen son. I have lost him to addiction and mental health issues; for now. He is autistic and has complex trauma. I needed to place him in a comprehensive residential program, Over the past few years the most intensive outpatient in-home behavioral therapy has failed. This placement broke the remaining piece of my heart.
Theese losses stack one atop on another. I feel like I am drowning at sea and have nothing to hold onto. I am so tired of trying to get a breath of water. Exhausted. I haven’t felt joy in years and the drugs they give me provide no solace. Maybe it’s best to just relax and let go. Lean into the inevitable.
I think of Brad Delp, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain. I don’t see them as defective. I don’t see them as weak. I see them as tired of struggling and having no hope.
We all need hope if we are to survive. I don’t honestly know if I have any anymore.