2 choices

Lately I find myself slipped back into darkness.  With only 2 choices circling in my grasp:  getting into my car to drive away, leaving everyone / everything familiar behind and suicide.

The latter seems more practical than the former on so many levels.   My parents  both dying within 3 months of each other this past January and April is weighing on me more heavily than words can express.  My mom has been the hardest grief to hold.  Missing her is like having a piece of my heart cut out.  The bleeding just doesn’t stop and the nightmare of losing her, my best friend and only rock, never ends.

I’ve also suffered another major loss,  just not a death.  The loss of my young teen son.  I have lost him to addiction and mental health issues; for now.     He is autistic and has complex trauma.  I needed to place him in a comprehensive residential program,  Over the past few years the most intensive outpatient  in-home behavioral therapy has failed.  This placement broke the remaining piece of my heart.

Theese losses stack one atop on another.  I feel like I am drowning at sea and have nothing to hold onto.   I am so tired of trying to get a breath of water.   Exhausted.   I haven’t felt joy in years and the drugs they give me provide no solace.  Maybe it’s best to just relax and let go.  Lean into the inevitable.

I think of Brad Delp, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain.   I don’t see them as defective.  I don’t see them as weak.  I see them as tired of struggling and having no hope.

We all need hope if we are to survive.   I don’t honestly know if I have any anymore.

 

 

 

About Lexicon Lover

Read all about my journey (and musings) of recovery from both complex childhood trauma and incest, it’s manifestation in my adult life through maladaptive behaviors like BDSM, self-injury, eating disorder, substance abuse and toxic relationships; one with whom was a Narcissistic Sociopath. View all posts by Lexicon Lover

11 responses to “2 choices

  • Witty

    I am sorry you are going through all that. I remember when I lost my father I thought I lost a piece of my soul. He was my best friend so I understand where you’re coming from there.

    Like

  • Fractured Faith Blog

    Don’t. Please. From one who has been there. Talk to me instead. I care.

    Like

  • Secret Keeper

    So I’ve been thinking for awhile about how I wanted to respond to this, because I do with all my heart, but I want to without sounding trite, dismissive, or using the usual “chin up…you’re worth it…life will get better…” BS. I don’t want to respond that way because it’s not how I want to be responded to when I’m in this state of “two choices.” So maybe you don’t either. I like you. I would be so sad if you took the end-it-all route. But I’d totally get it if you did and I would not judge. Hopelessness S.U.C.K.S. I’m so sorry you are feeling it. I have been (am) in this same spot. I’m also really sorry about your son. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you. I was heartbroken and just sighed for you when I read about him and the choice you needed to make. I would love to hear all about him sometime. You’ve been through a lot lately and the weight you are carrying is heavy.

    I wonder about hope though…have you dusted off your basketball yet? Launched a few shots? Give it a try…

    I don’t know how/if music speaks to you but I thought of this song for you. I listen to it many nights when I teeter in the darkness wanting to end it all. Sometimes it helps.

    Hold on friend. You’re gonna be ok. ❤

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      SK, music is my heroin so I guess we speak this common language as well. You already guessed that platitudes don’t reach into the black space. Thank you for leaving these here for me to take a listen. I didn’t try the baskets being without a ball at the beach, but I did try throwing stones into the ocean w/ same process. I wish I could text you. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  • Secret Keeper

    Here are a couple more God placed on my heart for you…these are also in my playlist.

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  • Secret Keeper

    Also…please tell me you get this SNL reference to your song choice above…

    “I GOTTA HAVE MORE COWBELL….” 😉

    Like

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