In the red


I say this rather as a matter of fact.  Not to whine or complain. If anything, to vent I reckon.

I took on a massive amount of credit card debt supporting my fiancé while he was unemployed for the first 4 years of our relationship.   He went back and forth through 8 separate detoxes trying to get sober from alcohol.  He would get a year, then relapse.  Get a month then relapse.  And so on.  At his worst he was drinking a quart and a half of vodka a day.  Everyday.   He was vomiting blood many mornings.  (Esophageal varices)

His parents and other family had turned their back on him.  Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had asked him to leave. I loved him and as bad as things got, I didn’t have the heart to turn him to the streets.   He was suicidal, at times.   I felt like it would be my fault if something happened.  At one point he texted me he was leaving this world.  He did hang himself.  Police found him in respiratory arrest in the basement of a local building, emergency responders cut him down..  He was very lucky to have lived.

Today he has over 2 years of sobriety from alcohol.

On the one hand,  I feel it was a good decision to go into debt to support him.  Every person is valuable and worth saving.  On the other hand, when half your monthly income goes to paying debt it’s a suffocating feeling.   Especially when you are out of work on medical.

I feel mixed about my decision.  Had I left the relationship years ago I would not be in the massive debt.  Had I not helped him, he might not be alive.  The kids suffer from the debt the most.  There are things they go without.  So I guess that’s what hurts today.   I wonder if I’ll ever be able to pay it off?

Here is a song that made me laugh and reminds me of me.  Right down to the panic attacks.  LOL

To all those who are in the red for whatever reasons, know you are most certainly not alone, and this one’s for you! 🥃



About Lexicon Lover

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