I’m a bitch

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I’m the bitch neighbor that swears at you through the condo walls all night, loud enough so that you can hear because you stir fry your nasty fish-heads in your wok and the smell permeates my living space causing me to want to retch.

For the love of everything holy, stop eating fish-heads you asshole!!! Switch it up for one fucking day and order pizza.

I’m the bitch Masshole driver at whom you beeped your horn because you falsely assumed I was going to cut out in traffic when you drove by.  WTF? Okay grandma!! How could you tell based on me idling there if I was going to pull out or sit there for 5 more minutes?  Just for you horning me, I decided to gun it and follow you for a mile just so I get behind you at the next red light and blast my horn about twenty times hoping to see how scared shit it makes you feel.  You know what they say about payback.

Yeah, I’m that same bitch who jumped out of my car at a different red light ‘cause some dude called me a bitch.  I hopped out of my car and walked over to his car and said, “you’re all tough from inside  your car,  whaddya gonna do now? Why don’t you get the fuck out of your car you fucking coward and call me a bitch to my face!”   He didn’t, he drove away without saying a word.

My dad yelled at me and was upset.  He  said the guy in that car could have shot me.  But the truth is, I didn’t give a fuck.  When you feel you’ve got nothin’ to lose, it changes the way you view the world.

There is so much rage coursing through my veins lately.  I don’t recognize my own reflection in the mirror.  I used to be such a sweet, giving, loving woman.   Now I’m just a bitch.

Strange how life can change you.  Long standing trauma, abuse, and pain can create deep seated anger and resentment which can ruin a person if they hold onto it.

I gotta go now,  I’ll gotta take to the highway to scream obscenities at the people in cars that piss me off and then come home to spray febreeze outside my neighbors door.

 

About Lexicon Lover


2 responses to “I’m a bitch

  • justsaltwriter

    Maybe you weren’t trying to be funny… if so I apologize… but…That last line about febreeze at your neighbors door was brilliant and it made me laugh out loud. I don’t laugh enough anymore, so, thank you for the laughter.

    Smells are THE worst. They also trigger angry feelings in me. I can’t imagine fish heads cooking! Yuk!!

    After years of suppressing the anger, and choosing to be nice no matter what, there was a ton of it that bubbled up for me as well as I fully owned my traumatic past. I kinda think that needs to happen, actually.

    My therapist told me that I could throw pillows and soft objects when I was alone or else sure not to harm anyone, to try and release some of it. I also read somewhere about putting an old thick phone book or other book and a stick or something to smack it with, in your car to use while away from home or while driving (I used a rubber tarp strap with its steel end removed) and then whacking the phone book when you felt angry. A passenger once gave me a weird look when I had to move the phone book and the tarp strap from the passenger seat, but I didn’t care at the time. The one good thing about being that angry is you stop caring so much what others think of you!

    Like

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