Addiction

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Photo:  my rosary beads 

Anyone who has ever struggled with addiction knows all too well the viscous cycle of it all.

Every fiber of you craves the thing to which you are addicted.   Your brain tells you quietly that it will kill you, yet the voice of the addiction is louder yelling at you to give in.

Every attempt to stop leaves you  struggling in a brutal tug of war.  The internal voice is always telling you to give in:

“You know you will feel better if you do it” 

“You deserve a break.”

”You know it’s gonna be so good…”

There’s a seductive quality to addiction.  I believe that there is perhaps an evil force which belies the whole process.   Trying to ensnare victims back in.

If for some reason you give in and relapse, you tell yourself:

”Its okay, you can just start over tomorrow,” as a way to assuage your guilt.

If you manage to to relapse in the middle of a week, you tell yourself,

”its okay, you can make a fresh start on Monday.”

Then you get so deep into it, you start telling yourself stuff like,”I’ll start over next month.”  

Then comes the realization when you can’t stop after a whole month after really trying several times, “I just haven’t  tried hard enough or I have to work up to it and get into the recovery mindset.”

Then after total agonizing defeat, still a persistent denial busts in that,”I could quit if I want to, I just don’t want to right now, I like what I am doing.” 

What the fuck?!

Did I just hear my thoughts right.  Yup.  I could quit if I want to but I don’t want to?  Buddy, my ass has been done whooped by this addiction but not I’m “ready?”  That’s precious.

I think only a true addict can indentify with these insane thoughts.

I’ve been living with addiction and relapse for a decade at least.  I’m in this shit up to my eye balls.

It occurred to me today That the one huge part I’ve been leaving out of the mix is steps 1, 2, and 3.  Ha!

It’s always white knuckling.  Who wants to admit defeat? Be powerless, And then surrender?  Not a lot signing up for that shit.  We do it because we get sick and tired of being of being sick and tired.

Time to get on my knees again and ask for God’s help.

 

 

 

About Lexicon Lover


8 responses to “Addiction

  • Betrayed Bitch

    I’m hoping the best for you!
    From what I have seen it is a true struggle.
    My H was an alcohol and drug counselor before he decided to throw away his career and business for his little skank.
    I seen the devastation alcohol and drugs cause, it’s no easy battle, hang in there!

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      Mine is an eating disorder/ food addiction. It began in childhood after the sexual abuse. In my teens when I noticed weight coming on, I weighed around 125 lbs, I was 5ft 5in, I began starving. I became anorexic and dropped to 105 lbs by my freshman year of college. Then, after a hospitalization they put me on Ensure and forced food. After a year my eating disorder morphed into Orthorexia and Exercise Bulimia, with periods of starvation if I binged. I also developed CHSP, Chewing and Spitting Disorder for when I got cravings. As time pressed forward with having kids and post-partum depression, I gained a massive amount of weight. At my worst I ended up at 265 lbs. The eating disorder had morphed into bingeing without purging. As my weight went up, the shame did too. So the cycle started again. I lost weight, got down to 165 lbs. then relapsed. I finally went to 90-day Overeaters Anonymous. There are anorexics, bulimics, and binge-eaters all who attend praying to gain a healthy relationship with God and obviously food again.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Betrayed Bitch

        Oh that sucks! I had trouble with that myself and I did really well with it for Many, many years up until this last year when I started using laxatives again Ugh which was the hardest to overcome years ago! I stoped binging and purging along time before I quit the laxatives, they were hard to quit and hard to not use them out of necessity because my bowels no longer worked on their own. I don’t know how I will do it again?

        Like

      • Lexicon Lover

        It is hard right?!!! Unless you’ve been there, it’s something people just don’t know how it can rule and ruin your life. The shame and secrecy and demoralization. I don’t know how I’ll do it again as I feel hopeless, but….as my photo suggests and as Joyce Meyer would say I’m going to start to “take it to Throne instead of the phone.” That’s my plan. I’ll keep you in my prayers too, BB! xo ❤️

        Like

      • Betrayed Bitch

        You can do it. But I know how hard it is.
        I know I have got to start with a schedule and routine. I just cant seem to do that since I can’t sleep!
        Hang in there girl ❤️❤️❤️

        Like

      • Lexicon Lover

        I’m in the same boat with the sleep thing. Dang! I think we all are. Our minds have those movies replaying, and not good things, fears, doubts and insecurities. A nagging sense of lacking direction and purpose. You hang in, WE will get there!!! ❤️❤️❤️

        Like

  • justsaltwriter

    Thank you for this post and your honesty.
    You are inspiring me so much with these last two posts. I have been wondering about my food intake and wondering if I am compulsive and addicted in some ways in that area as well. Oh, I will start off well, I’ll throw kale in a breakfast smoothie but by mid afternoon I often crave and cave and eat half a bag of chocolate chips in one sitting. Just because they are dairy free and organic, sugar sweetened, they are still junk. So then I feel like crap mentally and physically.
    Sigh. And I go through the same bargaining and shame processes you described too.
    I hope you keep writing about this as I find it very helpful in knowing myself better.
    Blessings, prayers and love to you. Keep fighting!!

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      JS, Thank you! Oh I will keep on posting indeed. As this thing will be here for a long while I reckon, my whole life this far. Lol Blessings and prayers right back at you❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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