Photo: my rosary beads
Anyone who has ever struggled with addiction knows all too well the viscous cycle of it all.
Every fiber of you craves the thing to which you are addicted. Your brain tells you quietly that it will kill you, yet the voice of the addiction is louder yelling at you to give in.
Every attempt to stop leaves you struggling in a brutal tug of war. The internal voice is always telling you to give in:
“You know you will feel better if you do it”
“You deserve a break.”
”You know it’s gonna be so good…”
There’s a seductive quality to addiction. I believe that there is perhaps an evil force which belies the whole process. Trying to ensnare victims back in.
If for some reason you give in and relapse, you tell yourself:
”Its okay, you can just start over tomorrow,” as a way to assuage your guilt.
If you manage to to relapse in the middle of a week, you tell yourself,
”its okay, you can make a fresh start on Monday.”
Then you get so deep into it, you start telling yourself stuff like,”I’ll start over next month.”
Then comes the realization when you can’t stop after a whole month after really trying several times, “I just haven’t tried hard enough or I have to work up to it and get into the recovery mindset.”
Then after total agonizing defeat, still a persistent denial busts in that,”I could quit if I want to, I just don’t want to right now, I like what I am doing.”
What the fuck?!
Did I just hear my thoughts right. Yup. I could quit if I want to but I don’t want to? Buddy, my ass has been done whooped by this addiction but not I’m “ready?” That’s precious.
I think only a true addict can indentify with these insane thoughts.
I’ve been living with addiction and relapse for a decade at least. I’m in this shit up to my eye balls.
It occurred to me today That the one huge part I’ve been leaving out of the mix is steps 1, 2, and 3. Ha!
It’s always white knuckling. Who wants to admit defeat? Be powerless, And then surrender? Not a lot signing up for that shit. We do it because we get sick and tired of being of being sick and tired.
Time to get on my knees again and ask for God’s help.