So for me to regain a normal relationship to and with food again, I need to eat in a very specific way. My meal plan requires 3 weighed and measured meals per day. No flour, no sugar or artificial sweeteners, nothing in between meals except for water. The amounts of protein and vegetables are the same at every meal.
I cannot have starchy vegetables like potatoes, corn, squash, peas. Rather it must be non-starchy veggies like spinach, green beans, broccoli, or asparagus for example.
Did I mention that I hate most non-starchy vegetables?
Also, in relapse I would binge on sugar, fat, starchy food combos in calorie amounts that would leave most people ready to hurl.
Why? It was never about eating for satiety anymore than the alcoholic was drinking for thirst. It was for the effects. The why of how it hit my brain and made everything right as rain? I’m not exactly sure. There is a science to it and it has to do with a neurotransmitter called dopamine being released after a huge binge of those high calorie high fat/sugar foods. But I’m not a scientist.
All I know is that taking away yummy binge foods, causes not only a physical withdrawal but also a mental obsession about them.
My brain has had enough of a ride on the tasteless vegetable train of hell and it’s only been 3 days.
You’ll get used to the vegetables, they said. It’s good for you, they said. You’ll feel better in no time, they said.
“I’d pick binging on a big ass plate of Brussels sprouts over cake, said no one ever,” I said.
Time to pray again….