So I’ve been on this diet. I have a crap ton of weight to lose. I love it when my pot-belllied primary care physician in his mid-60’s told me that I needed to lose weight at my last check-up. As if it’s something I didnt know? WTF. I almost wanted to pretend to over exaggerate falling off that tiny half-table they sit your ass on and say,” Oh my God! I’m over weight?” “is there anything I can do about it doctor?” “Is there any hope?” And then fake cry.
As if I don’t already know and I never look in the damn mirror. He looks like he’s ready to push out twins mind you….but okay.
Back to the diet. Let’s start with the word diet. It’s comprised of the words “die” from the German “dii” and “t”. That’s because of you don’t go on it, you die and you get a nice cross over your grave after the burial service. So okay, the etymology was total bullshit but it sounded good.
I have been on said diet since October 7th. Time feels like dog years or some shit with each day passing. Each hour is expanding somehow. I watch other people eating bread and feel envious, and if I spy someone eating pastry? I want to curse at them. Jealous little thing I am. In some cruel twist of fate my metabolism has slowed from when I was twenty. I gain weight looking at their damn cupcake!
All the slicing and the chopping and the vegetable prepping is so labor intensive. I can’t wait for this dog and pony show to be over.
Where is the healthy food drive-thru? Where can I order my 4 oz of protein and 8 oz of raw veggies, and 8 oz of steamed spinach to go Mcfast. Oh that’s right nowhere. There’s only Mcslop up the street under the Golden Arches.
Every where I turn there is flagrant food porn staring me down, enticing me to “come back.”
I am holding steady though. Like walking a tight rope 100 feet up. So far I’ve only tettered on the wire, no falls yet.
I’m still rocking this diet, it’s Day 12 WP peeps.