In the Big house

metal prison bars with handcuffs on black background

In addition to the clinical diagnosis of OCD I received at 19, I know I have body dysmorphia as well.  This is where when you look in the mirror you see a very distorted body image of yourself which is not accurate.  They are not mutually exclusive but can be comorbid diagnoses.   I know I look horrible, but when I point out others who I believe to which I look similar; they say “no way, that it’s simply not true.”  That I am projecting and exaggerating my fears rather than reality .   That is what I see? It isn’t a projection!

So I’m nearly 30 days in on this diet and it feels like I’m stuck in some sort of TV episode of ‘60 Days In’ meets ‘My 600 lb.life.‘

I’m not sure how I can keep doing this same old same old, ad nauseum, ad infinitum?  The old me lived for being alone in a room with my junk food freebasing a box of Little Debbies.    Now? Exercise is supposed to blow my dress back.  Well guess what.  It doesn’t.  It’s work.  And those neural pathways haven’t been created yet so it feels like drudgery.

Something weird has shifted though.  Other than eating Cheetos for that one discrete time, I seem to have developed the old food aversions that I had back a child.  Where I became so emaciated the doctor threatened to put a g-tube in me.

Fears related to food are cropping up all over again.  The same exact fears that caused my anorexia to begin at around age 10-11 years old.   I have severe OCD and get skeeved out pretty easily by a lot of foods.  I am an extremely picky eater.   If I cannot eat something that tastes palatable, I often opt to starve and just skip meals altogether.

It seems my dream of finding a better more healthy relationship with food is slipping away fast.

I feel frustrated.  I don’t know what belies this whole eating disorder and my therapist is not very helpful or insightful one bit.

I hope everyone out there who is on their own diet is able to stick with whatever they are doing.   Send me encouraging thoughts and prayers if you would!

‘Cause right now I’ve got the jailhouse blues.

 

About Lexicon Lover


7 responses to “In the Big house

  • Betrayed Bitch

    Sending you encouragement, love and hugs ❤️❤️❤️🤗

    Like

  • A Reformed Cad

    Encouraging words?

    First of all, you got this. Secondly, remember the first thing.

    I don’t want well. I’m a lazy eater and tend to graze whatever is handy.

    One thing that I have done is set my phone alarm to ring at specific intervals to remind me to eat and then split my alarms up around calories. It isn’t a perfect system but it has helped me eat better with more thought to when and what I eat. As such it becomes less about thinking about eating and more about simply eating.

    Be well.

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      Tomorrow will be the day of reckoning. I face the scale. The scale never lies. My relationship is on life-support, my mental health is out the window, my teenage son is still in treatment and been gone from home almost a year now, and I’m grieving my two dead parents. I can’t change any of that. I keep on keeping on. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  • A Reformed Cad

    LL, it is so simple for an outsider to look at what they see on the surface and assume they know what is happening with you on the inside. Just because the oceans surface is calm, never assume there isn’t a undertow churning beneath the surface.

    I cannot fathom the depths of your trauma and pain. I do know is the scale is neither a measurement of your success or value. It is a measurement tool and let’s us know where we are in that moment. It is not a predictor of where we are going, it is only a measurement of where we have been. It has no influence on where you go.

    You got this…

    Like

  • Secret Keeper

    I can relate to all this so much. I’m going to think about this more before I say more. ❤️

    Like

    • Lexicon Lover

      (said excitedly) Oh I’m glad there’s a friend when can relate! I’ve been feeling alone with a lot of my life’s crap. This in particular. Though I don’t wish this on anyone, I am excited at the prospect at someone identifying with this insanity? Does that make sense? Lol 🤣❤️

      Like

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