In addition to the clinical diagnosis of OCD I received at 19, I know I have body dysmorphia as well. This is where when you look in the mirror you see a very distorted body image of yourself which is not accurate. They are not mutually exclusive but can be comorbid diagnoses. I know I look horrible, but when I point out others who I believe to which I look similar; they say “no way, that it’s simply not true.” That I am projecting and exaggerating my fears rather than reality . That is what I see? It isn’t a projection!
So I’m nearly 30 days in on this diet and it feels like I’m stuck in some sort of TV episode of ‘60 Days In’ meets ‘My 600 lb.life.‘
I’m not sure how I can keep doing this same old same old, ad nauseum, ad infinitum? The old me lived for being alone in a room with my junk food freebasing a box of Little Debbies. Now? Exercise is supposed to blow my dress back. Well guess what. It doesn’t. It’s work. And those neural pathways haven’t been created yet so it feels like drudgery.
Something weird has shifted though. Other than eating Cheetos for that one discrete time, I seem to have developed the old food aversions that I had back a child. Where I became so emaciated the doctor threatened to put a g-tube in me.
Fears related to food are cropping up all over again. The same exact fears that caused my anorexia to begin at around age 10-11 years old. I have severe OCD and get skeeved out pretty easily by a lot of foods. I am an extremely picky eater. If I cannot eat something that tastes palatable, I often opt to starve and just skip meals altogether.
It seems my dream of finding a better more healthy relationship with food is slipping away fast.
I feel frustrated. I don’t know what belies this whole eating disorder and my therapist is not very helpful or insightful one bit.
I hope everyone out there who is on their own diet is able to stick with whatever they are doing. Send me encouraging thoughts and prayers if you would!
‘Cause right now I’ve got the jailhouse blues.