Monthly Archives: January 2019

Mwah ha ha ha!!!!

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Best friend

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Okay, so I haven’t been able to string even a day of clean eating together in what seems like forever.   This addiction has morphed into a beast.   I haven’t stopped fighting though.  I just don’t know how to fight it.    

Food addiction is a physical addiction with a cravings and withdrawal cycle.  Anyone who tells you different hasn’t done their homework.  They are uneducated and ignorant regarding the matter.   There are certainly emotional triggers that can bring about an eating “binge”.   

When I feel a certain way; my pattern of eating changes accordingly.   Actually, that last line is complete BS.   There is virtually no emotional state that won’t drive me to binge.  I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m nervous, I eat when I’m angry, I eat to celebrate, I eat out of boredom.  Food has been there when people haven’t.  In a strange way food has been a best friend.   It’s just that my best friend is trying to disfigure my body and ultimately kill me so it’s like an abusive relationship that I need to end.  

I truly believe that people with addictions don’t get better until they hit their bottom. I don’t know what my bottom will be because it keeps getting lower.

In my 20’s I told myself I’d never go above 140 lbs.  Blew past that.  In my 30’s I told myself I’d never binge at someone else’s house on their food.   Did that at my moms.    Promised myself I’d never binge on my kids Halloween candy.   Did it.  All the while saying “I’ll replace it while they are at school before they realize it’s even gone.”  But really? Really! Who does this shit!!  Who takes candy from a baby? Besides that, even if they never found out, I knew….I knew.  And looking in the mirror became harder to do for more than the obvious reason.

Even though I’ve been asking God for help I don’t know if I will get better because I’m not sure that I’m ready to part ways with this toxic relationship.   Does that make sense? 

Part of me is ready to get healthy but only part of the time.   It waxes and wanes on any given day.  How far down river will I get, when I don’t have both recovery oars in the water?

For a non-food iaddict, food is just food.  For me, food is so many things:  Food is comfort, it is stress relief, food is safety, it’s happiness, food is love.   I know some  normal people will read that line and think, “wow that is so effed up!  ‘Food is love?’ they will say to themselves?  I know it’s true seeing it on paper does sound crazy, but that’s the powerful distorted connection it has in this writer’s  life.  That’s why diets don’t work or if they do, the weight loss usually returns so fast.   Once weight loss happens I go right back to that missing friend, that missing thing which used to comfort me.  That’s why Oprah Winfrey who has millions in net worth cannot, even with the aide of a personal chef, trainer, and psychotherapy seem to keep the weight so easily.  It’s goes so deep.    

Hpw does one unwed the thing which for years that has brought them relief day in, day out? I have no idea but I know the solution isn’t in merely counting calories.

I know there are people who have broken free from food addiction.

I wonder if I will ever be able my shit together and get some decent clean time in.  This is so demoralizing.   My instinct is to to just hide out all day at home .  All the weight I’ve gained makes me feel self-conscious and ashamed.  Of course I could always traverse through the world wearing a bag over my head.  

Seriously, I don’t know anymore.   I need a plan though, because this is just not working for me.   


The Few, the Proud, the Many?

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It’s 4:23 am, another sleepless night.  I just finished watching  “Sister Wives.” Now I don’t know a whole lot about anything, but day-um! Those ladies are leading one drama-filled life.  Watching that show made me feel a tiny bit better about my own train wreck of a life.  Ha!  Those four wives are crazier than hell to be married to that dude.   He reeks of “self-centered-to-the-extreme.”

I can barely contain jealous feelings which at times have come up for me over my man’s ex partner(s).  How would I ever survive living in some sort commune-compound with 3 other sister wives to share a husband?  Oh Hell no!!!

There was so much drama on this show it was painful to watch.   All these wives saying that they are best friends with each other and between them there are 18 children.  It was all so bizarre.

The pimp, I mean husband Kody, seems like a real a$$hat.    Three out of the four  of the wives Janelle, Robyn, and Christine are excluding the last wife Meri from their brand of fun and Reindeer games.   I felt so bad for Meri.   I found myself wanting to talk to the TV and yell,” Run Meri!”  “You’re the only one who realizes this is screwed up!”

Now I’m not sure why polygamy isn’t legal in other states? It must have to do with something in the Bible. Why is it that  certain parts of the LDS Church are cool with polygamy? Is it for the husband to maximize the potential for assets like acquisition of land? labor? If so, why would women be down to freely enter into such an arrangement? What benefits are they getting? Do those benefits outweigh the emotional BS they have to put up with like knowing their husband is in the next house making another woman squeal?  No one can tell me that these women can be okay with sharing their husband; sexually or otherwise.

I’m trying hard not to judge this lifestyle because I do not understand and/or get it. It just seems to me like legitimized infidelity to me, for the husband.

I mean, there are tons of husbands in  America who take on numerous mistresses behind their wives back because they have chosen to be unfaithful to their marital vows.  However, most of them are not flaunting it in their wives face to cause undue emotional harm. Not that it makes it okay.  It most certainly does NOT.  But ahem, I’m scratching my head about why these women want to sign up to be part of a harem? WTF?

What do you think about polygamy or open marriages?  Do you think the people who are in them are truly happy?

 

 


Mwah ha ha ha!!!

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Purpose of the Altar — The Devotion Cafe’

1 Kings 8:54 says, When Solomon had finished praying this entire prayer and supplication to the LORD, he arose from before the altar of the LORD, from kneeling on his knees with his hands spread toward heaven. If I asked you to tell me in your own words what does the word Altar means to […]

via Purpose of the Altar — The Devotion Cafe’

I reblogged this because it made a big impact on me.  What an amazing concept of bringing the alter right into one’s present moment!  Bringing Christ into the now and not keeping Him in some lofty spiritual place where He cannot be reached.  I would love to be able to practice this.  I could totally relate to having promised to lift someone in prayer but then forgot. Amazing post!!! Two thumbs up, way up! 


From the whip to the Word

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“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it’s desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”

1 John 2: 15-17 NIV

 

I’ve been watching “A&E’s “Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath” for the past 3 seasons.  Although I’ve never belonged to a formal established cult per se, I understand about Stockholm syndrome, brainwashing, love-bombing, gas-lighting and other techniques that are employed by cults.  Remini frequently talks on the show about how when she was in Scientology she truly believed in it, and also thought that people on the outside weren’t as evolved.   This had much to do with being submersed in a subculture that is insular in nature, designed to promote itself and keep its members in.

When I first entered into a relationship with my ex, who I later discovered was a sociopath and sexual sadist, he convinced me to “try out” BDSM.   The way he introduced the concept was cunning.  He said that of course he would be my Dominant and the one in charge and that I would be his submissive and the one responsible for attending to his needs. That was never off-putting as I am a very caring person and it’s in my nature to want to be a care-taker.  The thing that he pitched to me is that I would have complete control over what we did.  The ever so clever ‘illusion of control’.  Nothing would happen that I didn’t want.

This, as I would later find out was a flagrant lie.   As time pressed forward he never respected my no.   I would come to find out I didn’t even have one.   He did as he pleased.   Think “50 shades of Gray” but with Ted Bundy cast in the leading  role.

I don’t think I would have entered into it at all, save for the fact that I was desperate to feel loved.  He was saying all the right things at just the right time.  I was in an extremely vulnerable place.  I had just come out of a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship.  My son’s father had been cheating on me which had paralleled nearly our entire relationship, I lost part of my cervix due to his cheating.  He had beaten me so badly once, my tooth had gone through my lip.  He had locked me in rooms and refused to let me out to use the bathroom. He had locked me out of the house in the winter in freezing temperatures without a coat.   He threw a razor at my head leaving me bleeding, crawling out of the house searching for help from passing cars on the street.  I ended up with staples in my head to suture the wound.

Looking back when I left my son’s father, it was as if I was swimming in shark infested waters with a fresh wound. I was a beacon for a sociopath like the sadist narc with whom I became involved. .

Somewhere during my relationship with my son’s father is when I had stopped going to church and praying.  I felt so lost.   I felt so abandoned.  When I met the narcopath I was like a deer in headlights.  He appealed to my intellect as he told me, “this may sound crazy but an alternative relationship when done right can,  because of the risky situations it entails,  actually forge a stronger and closer bond between a man and a woman than a typical “vanilla” relationship ever could.”  It sounded so good! Closer I thought? Well slap me silly then sign me up for that.  Me the girl who has been starving for love and attention her whole life.  It almost sounded like the promise of coming home.   He encouraged me to do my research online.  I did.   It seemed like it may actually work at the theoretical level.

Boy was I wrong.   I will have to repost the horror show of what happened during that relationship at another time.

Like Leah Remini while she was in Scientology, when I was living the BDSM “lifestyle” via this D/s relationship I believed that it was a more self-actualized way of being.   A small part of me actually felt superior to others.   That I had discovered that by giving into hedonism, and accepting carnal, visceral pleasures that I had reached a higher plane of understanding somehow.   That I had let go of the entrapment and bondage of guilt and shame that my Catholic upbringing had pummeled into me.

It has taken 7 years of distance from that BDSM D/s lifestyle, therapy, emptiness and utter despair to realize some things:

One, the so called bondage I thought I was leaving behind of shame and guilt,  I ended up trading for actual leather straps being chained to this sicko’s bed getting whipped, caned, spanked, or otherwise beaten so that he could get an erection.  He was sexually impotent without the use of violence as he was a sexual predator.

The truth is the guilt and shame was always there in me because the goodness of God had never left me and I felt ashamed about what I was doing as I knew God would be disappointed.  I was also disappointed in myself.   I secretly wanted a better life but never believed I deserved it.

Secondly, I was not better than vanilla and/ or God fearing people.  Quite the opposite, I was falling deeper into sin and sexual immorality but just could not see it at that time.  Many in that subculture are atheists, agnostics or living very compartmentalized lives; it is my belief they don’t see themselves as sinning.   A sort of denial I guess.

Finally,  the good news isn’t too good to be true.   Even a sinner like me can change.   That sound of the promise of coming home?  That has to do with salvation.  No one but God knows who will be saved but Scripture is pretty clear on one fact:

”Jesus answered, I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me. “ 

John 14:6 NIV 

It has taken a long time for me to see more clearly, I am beginning to see more clearly.  I have a long long way to go.  What I find ironic is that I was partly on the right track.  I should have been on my knees, but in prayer.  I should have been being a submissive, but to the Lord Jesus Christ.  Jesus can save me from despair, He can heal me from my sorrow, He can show me an enduring love like no one here in this world can.  Reconciling and restoring the strong relationship with Christ that I once had is the best decision I have decided to make.

I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places.   God was always there ready and willing to love me.

 

 

 


Gimme some of the good pies

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Melissa McCarthy is pure genius.  I have seen this movie a few times and every time I laugh out loud.  I love all her movies but this one is my favorite.  It opens with the Outfield playing ‘Your Love.’

If you have the chance,  rent “Tammy” you will laugh.

 


Small Blessing

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So I’ve started reading the Bible again.   I’ve also started praying again.   I made a mental list of people with whom I am angry or resentful and that I need to forgive.   It’s odd because as I was making my list I came to the realization that I, am on said list.   How strange?  I have not been able to forgive myself.   In some ways it has proven more difficult to forgive myself than others.   However, I am going to stick with this and see it through until I forgive everyone.

Reading the Bible has been slow going.   It’s not like reading other material.   Questions often come up.  I don’t have anyone to bounce things off.  I wish I belonged to a Church.  I wish I was in a Bible study.   I feel like I am in a good place to do that right now.   It helps to feel connected in a faith community.   That is my next step, to find a Church in which to worship.

This liitle hymn popped into my head tonight.  What a pleasant surprise.   I haven’t heard this since I went to Catholic Mass years ago.   I’m not sure why it came to me?   I believe that everything happens for a reason.   It brought back a lot of fond memories.   The choir sings this particular hymn before the Gospel is read during Mass.    This hymn is one that is chosen during the observance of Lent, which begins on Ash Wednesday (March 6th) and goes through til Easter Sunday in April.  On Ash Wednesday, parishioners come up to the alter and the priest rubs ashes on their forehead in the sign of the cross.  The ashes are made from burning the  palm leaves from the Palm Sunday Mass the previous year,  As the parishioners comes to the alter, the priest makes the cross on their forehead, and either says,” turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel,” or “’Remember that you are dust and to dust you will return.”  I always liked Ash Wednesday because it was an outward sign of my inward faith.   A time to focus inward, a time to fast in rememberance of the ultimate sacrifice the Lord Jesus Christ made for our sins

Perhaps this is a sign from God that I am on the right track with my choice to seek Him.  For me to turn away from a life of sin and be faithful to the Gospel.  It was such a blessing to hear this hymn in my mind.   I went ahead and searched for it on YouTube and sure enough I found it.   I am really looking forward to turning my life around for 2019.

Happy New Year WordPress peeps! ❤️


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