No one knows this blog exists from my “real” life. I have kept a solid veneer for so long. But the ugly secret I have kept my whole life is that I am a victim of incest at the hands of my brother. I also endured other severe childhood trauma. Physical and emotional abuse, and sometimes neglect. No one knew because I hid all of it behind a well-polished smile. The vignettes, poems, rants, chronicled here are a reflection of my life and journey from all this. Sometimes I feel rageful, severely anxious, I have even made several suicide attempts; my life has been robbed of joy. The childhood trauma set me up unwittingly for further sexual exploitation and more physical and emotional abuse as an adult. I went into some dark dark places….deep in the world of BDSM, substance abuse, self-injury, and life long eating disorder. I continue to hold a deep sense of self-hate and shame but I press on in therapy after 10+ years, in the hopes that the impossible may happen. That one day…..I will love myself.