Author Archives: Lexicon Lover

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Timely words

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Jesus called the crowd to him and said,

“Listen and understand. What goes into someone’s mouth does not to defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what the defiles them.”

-Matthew 15:10

Though written so long ago, this is an especially timely message.

 

 


Mwah ha ha ha!!!

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Public Apology to dragos1229

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Some time ago, around mid July , I was perusing the blogs and I came across a blog:  thestoryline.co.uk

The blogger had posed a question to  readers asking why he thought his blog had been banned several times.

I did a very cursory look at the content, less than 5 minutes and wrote to the blog authors contact page privately to tell him what I thought:

”Firstly, You don’t have the balls to let readers leave a comment. That’s fucked up. So I guess that makes you somewhat of a stalker.thst you get to comment on others blogs but not let anyone comment on your own. Secondly the content of your blog sucks. For example,  you wrote about the night you spent with a hooker and another high-end escort you brought home to your folks. Big deal. Do you know how many “I fucked a hooker blogs” are out there that say that, but are actually in interesting read? Thirdly, it is clear as day that you are misogynistic. So what, all us women should be clamoring to read your words wielding shit about us neatly hidden (or not) behind saccharine pleasantries. So we should be grateful you let the hooker stay with you overnight instead of paying her and letting her go home.  She was probably counting the minutes to get the hell away from you. If you’re such a great fucking guy why the need for a whore? Get a relationship. Real men don’t need to pay. So yeah, unless you want to bunch of blokes reading your blog, try little harder. Had your vitriol towards women a little better, or just openly admit you fucking hate women. Just because you have a fat wallet and a fat cock doesn’t make you Ernest Hemingway.

It was only after I sent it I realized I shouldn’t have.   Often times we don’t think about how words impact others.  Normally,  I do.  Normally I am careful with people’s feelings, I am very empathic.  The multitude of personal and relationship issues I had been going through made me lose my own basic courtesy.  The deaths of two parents 3 months apart, losing my son to a year long treatment center, a slow steady disintegration of my diet of my present relationship with daily verbal abuse were among the stressors.

There is still no excuse to displace aggression on another.  There is no excuse treat anyone with disrespect, either publicly or privately.   I would like to extend a public apology to him for my words.   Also to the blogging community at large.   It marked a personal low for me. I feel ashamed of my actions and wish I could go back in time and have simply said nothing.

Dragos1229, I am very sorry for my actions.  None of what I said had any basis in truth, it was more representative of grief and my own mental state.

 


Brokenness

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Growing up I had many fears.   They were not just ordinary kid fears.  For there were things which lurked in the dark.  Things from which my parents could not protect me.   I often felt petrified particularly at night.   The nights were long and at times seemed to stretch out interminably.

To make matters worse the landscape of my daytime was such that I was rather invisible.   Usually well-behaved, I got lost in the shuffle of the chaos and discord,  the cacophony of our home.  I needed comfort after the unspeakable terror of the night.  I often fantasized about being rescued by a benevolent parent archetype.  Someone who would recognize my hidden suffering and rescue me from the profane which my parents could not see.

So ever since I was small I can remember seeking out bits of care and affection hoping to stitch together enough to survive.    I have a crystal clear memory of cutting a bunch of lavender colored lilacs with a pair of scissors from the bush outside my bedroom window.   I brought them to school as a gift for my 3rd grade teacher, with some tin foil wrapped at the base.  I was hoping my good deed would earn me a bit of her praise.  Wishing she might look favorably upon me.   I was starving, aching for somebody, anybody,  to tell me that I was a good girl.

That desperation has not changed much since then; only my age has.

Even when I have managed to capture that attention and validation from a man as an adult,  that I had so desperately sought back then, I cannot hold onto the warmth I feel from receiving it for very long.  Because my early childhood trauma left me with a hole somewhere, all of the warmth and goodness I am able to take in slips away into the darkness leaving me feeling empty and alone.

I have been left in a constant unending cycle of seeking attention and validation from others.  The process itself is exhausting, time-consuming, and always ends the same.   I must begin it all over.

Trying to figure out how to construct the emotional glue with which to fill this invisible hole has proven a lot harder than I ever imagined.  For I don’t know where the hole exists within myself to patch and the spackle is not readily available at the local hardware store.

I still feel like a little girl inside, wanting that care and reassurance that I am lovable and good.  There is the sobering realization that it’s all going to have to come from me.  I’m going to have to be that voice I always needed.

I don’t want to shoulder this.  I want a different way.  I continue to struggle with accepting that there will never be anyone to rescue me.   There won’t be any grown up to tell me that I’m good.  Because I’m not 7 years old anymore, even if I feel like it on the inside.

It sucks being broken.   Dealing with kid feelings, kid fears, in a grown up body.

Kid Fears – The Indigo Girls – 1988

Pain from pearls, hey little girl
How much have you grown?
Pain from pearls, hey little girl
Flowers for the ones you’ve known
Are you on fire
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?
Secret staircase (secret staircase), running high (running high)
You had a hiding place
Secret staircase (secret staircase), running low (running low)
They all know, now you’re inside
Are you on fire
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?
Kid fears
Skipping stones, we know the price now
Any sin will do
How much further, if you can spin
How much further, if you are smooth
Are you on fire (are you on fire)
From the years? (from the years)
What would you give for your
Kid fears?
Replace the rent with the stars above
Replace the need with love
Replace the anger with the tide
Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love
The ones that you love
Are you on fire
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?
Are you on fire
From the years
What would you give for your
Kid fears
What would you give for your
Kid fears
What would you give for your
Kid fears
You can’t feel
The kids
Songwriters: Amy Elizabeth Ray / Emily Ann Saliers

 


Porn

 

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The mere mention of the word in certain circles is enough to stir a heated debate among some.   Hey,  it’s right up there next to fornication.

It objectifies women.   It’s addictive.   And the latest is that it’s a gateway behavior.   The last one is really the best one, you know.  ‘Cause gosh so many of my friends who have watched porn over the years are now either working in the sex and porn industry don’t cha know.

It always starts out so innocent with watching online videos, then progresses to a threesome, followed by a pole-dancing job at a strip club, and ends up with a job at Studio 20 working livestream camming…………Not.

Seriously though, while I do believe that it can be a gateway behavior for some, I believe the comparison is the same as alcoholism.  Some people have a proclivity to develop an addiction to porn.   There is a direct correlation with the amount of porn usage and the susceptibility to porn addiction and that’s what the data doesn’t say.

There is also a double standard.   If a man is caught with porn, bloody hell, he best be ready to do hand-to-hand combat with his partner and should hire a damn good defense attorney because he’ll be sleeping anywhere but their bed.   If a woman is caught watching some porn, she’s a spicy catch.   It’s like winning the lotto.  Something is wrong with the way our society views gender roles and sexuality.

If a man likes and has a lot of sex he’s considered a stud.  If  a woman likes and had a lot of sex she’s considered a whore.  What?!!!!!

Sexuality has always been taboo here in the U.S. ever since the Puritans stepped off the boat in 1630.   The fact is there is nothing wrong with our bodies.  They are the greatest instrument we will ever own.

Whatever your opinion is on porn, one thing is for sure, this 97 billion dollar industry isn’t going away any time soon.  I for one am glad about this fact, because on occasion,  I enjoy watching some porn.

#LoveMyself

 

 

 


What a crock

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I was grocery shopping today.  I thought to myself, “I’m going to attempt something of a culinary feat.… I am going to cook a meal.”  I thought more, “other than American chop suey.”

So quick-as-a-jiffy I whipped out my iPhone and Googled “how to make beef stew in a Crock pot.”  Figuring it pretty much cooks itself in there anyway.

Recipes danced across the page.  I hit on the “easy” one.  I gathered up all the ingredients until I got to the beef part.  I headed over to the butcher who asked if he could help me.

“Yes, I need some beef for beef stew.”

“Thats over in the beef section on the right.”

Rather embarrassed, I leaned in and told him, “my mom was a bit of a domestic genius, she could could sew, quilt, bake, and cook like no one’s business.  It seems though, that gene passed me over.”

I paused, “ But I have other skills.” and then I winked at him.

He stared back at me blankly.  Then he fetched some Choice top round beef,  cut it , and packaged it for me.  I got home and realized I probably forgot to buy the most important thing in the recipe,  the crock pot.

Being partnered with the ex-narchole sex addict years ago had one advantage. I ended up with some mad skills.

That said, it’s never too late to learn.  I hope to cook a stew worthy of my mom’s approval.   If they have a Crock pot cook-off in heaven, she would definitely win.

#noshame

 

 


Sugar-cane shrapnel

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Captains log,  Stardate 2321.5

It is Day 33 of the Diet.  An invader boarded the ship smuggling Halloween candy with them.   I ordered a red alert.  Despite setting the phasers to stun I was unable to stop the powerful force field-like grip the candy had pulling me towards it.

I consumed a shit-ton of said confection and my self-esteem was badly injured in the melee.

I awoke with sugar dust on my lips,  chocolate on my fingers, lying in a pile of mini-wrappers feeling like I wanted to vomit.   Demoralized sums it up best.

Perhaps I am the unfortunate of which the Big Book speaks on page 58,  I’m feeling quite depressed.  After losing a good amount of weight when I faced the scale on Day 30, this my WP peeps was an epic fail.

“Chekov, resume original course to Planet Diet, warp factor 2.   Engage….”

 

 


It’s Flu Season

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When I was a kid there was no such thing as flu shots.  You just either got the flu or you didn’t and when you did it was bad.  You ended up with a cough, runny nose, sore throat, a bad case of the ”runs”, the projectile pukes, a high fever and alternating chills, muscle aches, and even shakes that felt like your bones rattled.

The difference is you never heard of kids dying from it on the evening news.  I mean, maybe they did?  Perhaps it wasn’t newsworthy in the 1970’s.

I got my flu shot today.  My arm is already sore as hell 1 hour post-injection.  Feels like I’ve thrown about a hundred baseball pitches. Hurts to even lift it.   Takes a full two weeks to develop immunity to the flu virus itself.  Of course the virus is always mutating so there is never 100% protection against it.

Mid flu season there’s always some major network news anchor that says the CDC got the vaccine “wrong” again and the shot you received won’t have much protection but that it will do “something.”

Which translates to me as “I just got ripped off with some fake ass useless BS.

Today, there are flu clinics held at both adult and pediatric facilities nationwide.   There were 80,000 deaths in the 2018-2018 flu season, 180 of those were children.

I think I will always wonder how we managed as kids to get the flu and survive it as children way back then.   Nowadays, you hear about kids that become ill with the flu and then die so quickly from it only two days later.

Is it because it’s a more virulent strain than the strains of yesteryear? Is it that modern day children have more compromised immune systems?  Not to thump on the immigration issue.  I’m okay with people coming here to find Amnesty but back in the 1970’s we didn’t have as many foreign people living here.  Is it possible that not only fauna and flora are coming over,  but also funky new viruses? Just a thought.

Last year I opted out of receiving the flu vaccine.  I managed just fine to skate through the entire season.   Which leads me to wonder in the vaccine industry is perhaps using propaganda to instill fear and then capitalize on big seasonal profits they receive from people like me who race out to get the shots.

What do you think? Is it all hype and fear tactics designed to generate revenue for Big Pharma or actual concern for children and adults who are most “vulnerable”?

Thoughts?

 


Mwah ha ha ha!!

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Mwah ha ha ha !

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