Category Archives: Dark humor

Mwah ha ha ha!

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I used to get so drunk/high listening to this song!!

 

 

 


Mwah ha ha ha…

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I found out this morning you can get yourself a soft white Bimbo, for only $1.98 at Walmart. Damn! That’s pretty cheap! I wonder if she’s as good as her name. 😂


Mwah ha ha ha…

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Mwah ha ha ha…

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They came, they knocked, I kicked ass

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The Jehovah’s Witnesses have been coming to my house for awhile now.

The first time they came, there were two women all gussied up at the door and another one sitting in the car.  I thought perhaps there had been a nearby car
accident or something when they first knocked.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“This pamphlet is for you and is free.” they said as they handed me this small brochure.

I didn’t want it but it had the word GOD in
huge capital letters across the front and in
some fucked up way I felt almost a superstitious kind of guilt, that if I didn’t take it, perhaps some kind of hex may befall me.

They asked if they could come in, which I thought was really forward. I mean one chick could’ve hog-tied me and the other could have maybe made me her bitch.
I told them no, it wasn’t a good time.  An utter boldface lie as I was binge-watching Judge Judy at the time in sweat pants and a tee shirt.  They said they’d come back later.

The pamphlet had a picture on the front with Panda Bears having a picnic lunch sitting next to some Zebras, which were sitting next to some Kangaroos,  which were sitting next to a little girl, who was
sitting next to a puppy.

The whole thing was fucked up.

Panda Bears and puppy’s don’t have lunch together like that. It’s just not natural….I thought. If this. is their idea of “paradise” I’m just not down with that.

Two weeks passed.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I see it’s them and start forming my excuse as to why I don’t want them
to come in.  They want to know if I had read their pamphlet.  Of course I hadn’t but I kept it for the same effed up weird fear that throwing it out might
invite some bad Karma my way.

They asked if they could come in, I told th once again that it was a bad time. They said they’d come back later.

Another two weeks passed.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

A sick feeling comes over me. I think of an excuse as I make my way to the door. They ask if they can come in, I told them I was busy, though clearly they can see I look like the dawn of the dead and I just rolled out of bed. They said they’d come back later.

Two more weeks pass.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
I peer through the blinds.
It’s them.
I hide.
I wait.
They eventually leave.   I can’t believe I’m hiding in my own home from these freaking people.   It’s like some crazy episode of the Twilight Zone.

1 week later…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
my stomach drops.
“this can’t go on I think,
I have to take the bull by
the horns…
” and yet I don’t
like confrontation, I am intimidated
by these people and their
Pollyanna-esque-just-got-off the-Surrey-with-the-fringe-on top weird vibe.

I go to the door and swing it
open wildy. Before they even
have a chance to speak I blurt out in my loudest speaking voice:

“I DON’T YOU TO COME BACK ANYMORE.
DON’T KNOCK ON MY DOOR AGAIN. PLEASE
DON’T COME BACK.”                                        I shut the door just as fast.

They have not returned since.

All this time and it
was just that easy?
I could get used to this
being assertive thing.
Yes indeed.

 


Mwah ha ha ha…

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