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There’s never a shortage of people in Hamp who stop and ask me for directions to some random street.   I have no idea where things are,  I don’t live there.  Maybe I appear like I have a knowing look about me? Maybe I look like a townie?

“Do you know where blah blah blah is?” some lady asks.  “No, sorry I don’t,” I say.   “I heard it’s around here somewhere,” she goes on.  “Yeah, I have no idea, sorry about that.”  

Not 10 minutes later a man asks me if I know where some restaurant is and the conversation goes the same way.

I feel I’ve turned into a curmudgeonly old man.  Why this irritates me? Who knows.   Probably for the same reason that everything irritates me these days.  The wind blowing in the wrong direction bothers me.  It’s like PMS on steroids.

I’ve decided the next time someone asks me if I know where blah blah blah is, I’m going to look at them with a straight face and say in my average girl next door American voice, “I’m sorry, I wish I could help you but I don’t speak a lick of English, good luck with that though.

That should be fun times.




So I’ve been on this diet.  I have a crap ton of weight to lose.   I love it when my pot-belllied primary care physician in his mid-60’s told me that I needed to lose weight at my last check-up.  As if it’s something I didnt know? WTF.   I almost wanted  to pretend to over exaggerate falling off that tiny half-table they sit your ass on and say,” Oh my God! I’m over weight?” “is there anything I can do about it doctor?” “Is there any hope?” And then fake cry.

As if I don’t already know and I never look in the damn mirror.  He looks like he’s ready to push out twins mind you….but okay.

Back to the diet.  Let’s start with the word diet.  It’s comprised of the words “die” from the German “dii” and “t”.  That’s because of you don’t go on it, you die and you get a nice cross over your grave after the burial service.  So okay, the etymology was total bullshit but it sounded good.

I have been on said diet since October 7th.  Time feels like dog years or some shit with each day passing.  Each hour is expanding somehow.   I watch other people eating bread and feel envious, and if I spy someone eating pastry? I want to curse at them.  Jealous little thing I am.   In some cruel twist of fate my metabolism has slowed from when I was twenty.  I gain weight looking at their damn cupcake!

All the slicing and the chopping and the vegetable prepping is so labor intensive.   I can’t wait for this dog and pony show to be over.

Where is the healthy food drive-thru?  Where can I order my 4 oz of protein and 8 oz of raw veggies, and 8 oz of steamed spinach to go Mcfast.  Oh that’s right nowhere.  There’s only Mcslop up the street under the Golden Arches.

Every where I turn there is flagrant food porn staring me down, enticing me to “come back.”

I am holding steady though.  Like walking a tight rope 100 feet up.  So far I’ve only tettered on the wire, no falls yet.

I’m still rocking this diet, it’s Day 12 WP peeps.





Is this not the best show ever? Any other fans of AHS out there?  I think every season has been awesome but I’ll always be partial to the first season. 😈

Sign guy


Photo: mine

There is an unusual man in the town in which I live.    He stands at the town’s center with big ass signs which he creates on huge white poster board.   He proudly parades his work walking slowly along the side walk during rush hour traffic.   About every month he heads uptown donning his freshly crafted creation for all to see.

It is important to note that this town is an extremely left leaning, liberally based community…. as a whole.

In 2016, one sign he made spawned a 23 yr. old woman  and 23 yr. old man to physically assault him.  They were both subsequently arrested.

His signs certainly are shocking.  One of his signs read, “Caitlin Jenner ain’t no woman, boys ask your dads.”

Another read, “Bring back the bitchslap.

Yet another sign read,  “Feminist witches and soyboy bitches, lmao”

The Chief of Police said that he is protected under the 1st amendment to peacefully display his signs.   However,  the town’s local BID (Business Industrial District) asked business not to sell sign making materials to this man.

Our family stopped by to ask for the above photo with this man and he was happy to oblige.

His words may be shocking, rude, and vulgar.   That said,  I have come to admire sign guy for his authenticity, his courage to stand up and face an entire community who do not believe as he does.  Sign guy has brass balls.

Rock on Phil, keep making your signs baby.


Level 42


I just heard this playing in a store at the mall, it took me right back.  Anyone else who remembers this?  🎵 🎵  🎵

Vegetables taste like ass


So for me to regain a normal relationship to and with food again,  I need to eat in a very specific way.  My meal plan requires 3 weighed and measured meals per day.   No flour, no sugar or artificial sweeteners, nothing in between meals except for water.   The amounts of protein and vegetables are the same at every meal.

I cannot have starchy vegetables like potatoes, corn, squash, peas.   Rather it must be non-starchy veggies like spinach, green beans, broccoli, or asparagus for example.

Did I mention that I hate most non-starchy vegetables?

Also, in relapse I would binge on sugar, fat, starchy food combos in calorie amounts that would leave most people ready to hurl.

Why? It was never about eating for satiety anymore than the alcoholic was drinking for thirst.  It was for the effects.  The why of how it hit my brain and made everything right as rain? I’m not exactly sure. There is a science to it and it has to do with a neurotransmitter called dopamine being released after a huge binge of those high calorie high fat/sugar foods.  But I’m not a scientist.

All I know is that taking away yummy binge foods, causes not only a physical withdrawal but also a mental obsession about them.

My brain has had enough of a ride on the tasteless vegetable train of hell and it’s only been 3 days.

You’ll get used to the vegetables they said. It’s good for you they said.  You’ll feel better in no time they said.

“I’d pick binging on a big ass plate of Brussels sprouts over cake, said no one ever,” I said.

Time to pray again….



Photo:  my rosary beads 

Anyone who has ever struggled with addiction knows all too well the viscous cycle of it all.

Every fiber of you craves the thing to which you are addicted.   Your brain tells you quietly that it will kill you, yet the voice of the addiction is louder yelling at you to give in.

Every attempt to stop leaves you  struggling in a brutal tug of war.  The internal voice is always telling you to give in:

“You know you will feel better if you do it” 

“You deserve a break.”

”You know it’s gonna be so good…”

There’s a seductive quality to addiction.  I believe that there is perhaps an evil force which belies the whole process.   Trying to ensnare victims back in.

If for some reason you give in and relapse, you tell yourself:

”Its okay, you can just start over tomorrow,” as a way to assuage your guilt.

If you manage to to relapse in the middle of a week, you tell yourself,

”its okay, you can make a fresh start on Monday.”

Then you get so deep into it, you start telling yourself stuff like,”I’ll start over next month.”  

Then comes the realization when you can’t stop after a whole month after really trying several times, “I just haven’t  tried hard enough or I have to work up to it and get into the recovery mindset.”

Then after total agonizing defeat, still a persistent denial busts in that,”I could quit if I want to, I just don’t want to right now, I like what I am doing.” 

What the fuck?!

Did I just hear my thoughts right.  Yup.  I could quit if I want to but I don’t want to?  Buddy, my ass has been done whooped by this addiction but not I’m “ready?”  That’s precious.

I think only a true addict can indentify with these insane thoughts.

I’ve been living with addiction and relapse for a decade at least.  I’m in this shit up to my eye balls.

It occurred to me today That the one huge part I’ve been leaving out of the mix is steps 1, 2, and 3.  Ha!

It’s always white knuckling.  Who wants to admit defeat? Be powerless, And then surrender?  Not a lot signing up for that shit.  We do it because we get sick and tired of being of being sick and tired.

Time to get on my knees again and ask for God’s help.




Electrical storm


Photo:  (mine)  Hadley, MA   July 17, 2018

A few nights ago I got up at around 1:30 a.m. to get a glass of water and I was heading back to bed when it hit.

I got that funny feeling.  It’s called an aura, it’s a warning for the person that a seizure is imminent.   Some get auras and some don’t, I do.  I get it roughly 20-30 seconds before it hits.

The ineffable feeling “it” is coming.  My aura feels like a feeling like something really bad is about to happen and it’s about to hit fast.  Like you get the sense that you are about to die.  Terror and impending doom blended together is one way to put it but there’s really no way to put it into words.   I yelled out for help as loud as I could and began running for my cell phone.  The whole house is sleeping and I doubt anyone will hear me scream.

My body was already going numb all over, which meant the seizure had begun I knew needed to find my cell phone fast and dial 911.  My brain was having trouble remembering where I had left it.   The electrical discharge in the brain which is what a seizure is, already disrupting my brains ability to think clearly.    “Kitchen I thought, it’s in the Kitchen….”

I found it and managed to dial 911 and had also opened my Valium and placed one underneath my tongue when seconds after,  I dropped the phone on the floor as I fell to the floor.  My heart by now was racing at 300+ bpm.  I was having chest pains.  I could hear the 911 operator asking from the phone a few feet away, “911 what’s your emergency?”  but I could not answer her.  By now my entire body was numb, tingling, I was paralyzed,  could not speak or swallow, and my heart was racing through my chest.

Alone on the kitchen floor I thought,” I will go into cardiac arrest and this is how I will die.” 

Finally, I saw someone standing over me. My earlier yell a minute ago had been heard!!!! He put his hand over my chest and got a pulse.

Enhanced 911 called back.   I began convulsing.   I grayed in and out as my body shook uncontrollably.    I was later told it lasted 4 minutes.  It felt like time warped, it felt like so much longer.

Paramedics arrived.   Try as I may, my speech was still slurred and I was still confused.  “Why can’t I still swallow I wondered,  it’s over?”

I had such a banging headache for 2 days straight after this seizure.   I never knew seizures could cause migraines til I posted in an Epilepsy forum.

I’m pretty sure this seizure was from lack of sleep and stress.  I hadn’t slept 3 days prior.  Stayed up til 3 am and woke up at 7:30  am for a few days.  That and being super stressed about my son.   Stress,  lack of sleep, as well as any amounts of caffeine are 3 big things for me that lower the seizure threshold.

I’ve had Epilepsy since I was a teen but never had a seizure generalize (convulsions) or last this long.

I feel so hammered.   My brain just feels fried.   There’s an electrical storm in my brain. I just wish it would blow out to sea for good.

I would love to hear from others who are living with Epilepsy and have either uncontrolled and/or break-through seizures.


Met Steve Tyler by chance at Burger King up in NH.  He was with his kids eating dinner.   Circa 1989.   Super nice guy.   He has one of his homes in that town.


I have fond memories with this song….

Led Zeppelin



Blown away…….






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