Captains log, Stardate 2321.5
It is Day 33 of the Diet. An invader boarded the ship smuggling Halloween candy with them. I ordered a red alert. Despite setting the phasers to stun I was unable to stop the powerful force field-like grip the candy had pulling me towards it.
I consumed a shit-ton of said confection and my self-esteem was badly injured in the melee.
I awoke with sugar dust on my lips, chocolate on my fingers, lying in a pile of mini-wrappers feeling like I wanted to vomit. Demoralized sums it up best.
Perhaps I am the unfortunate of which the Big Book speaks on page 58, I’m feeling quite depressed. After losing a good amount of weight when I faced the scale on Day 30, this my WP peeps was an epic fail.
“Chekov, resume original course to Planet Diet, warp factor 2. Engage….”
I was fantasizing all night about it and by 11:00 pm I couldn’t take it anymore. I found myself walking as if in a dream-state to the kitchen to get a snack.
But wait! Snacks are not allowed on my diet you say? You would be correct. I cheated. I cheated with my favorite salty crunchy snack. Cheetos.
The Cheeto Tiger with his dark glasses, and his brightly colored packaging like a light in the night, I knew he was a devil in disguise. He and Little Debbie are in cahoots trying to seduce me. The bastards. When you add Mrs. Smith into the mix it becomes an unholy union.
I instantly felt guilty. Thoughts like,”you worthless piece of shit you can’t do anything right” and “wow you really fucked that up good” are some thoughts which came through my mind with ease. Now luckily I didn’t devour a whole bag or anything. But I shouldn’t have had ANY, hello.
The veggies just are losing their luster. They just bore me now. It’s starting to feel like government rations. I need some excitement in my mouth. I’m sick of bland chicken and beef.
Ugh. Why in the hell can’t I be like one of these hardcore extremist dieters who never slip up and lose a shit ton of weight in only 2 months? Well of course I lack any sort of discipline, that goes without saying. I mean, I was hoping to uncover some other less obvious reasons?
Hopefully this was just a one-night-stand with this junk food . Hopefully this doesn’t turn into a full-blown affair.