I always took great pleasure in my submission. I am a giver by nature. I love to please. I was the type of woman who could give and give and give, to the point that I would become drained and exhausted. No one that I was ever in relationship with gave back to me, so I became depleted because I gave until there was nothing left. The gift of my submission was exploited in that D/s relationship 10 years ago, my giving nature has been just exploited in my life overall. Something in me just broke after all that giving and has just never been the same. I began becoming calcified over time, resentful at all the lies, the cheating, the beatings. Perhaps a penchant for revenge began to take shape, I don’t know.
On one occasion I had the opportunity to to try my hand at using a cane on my Dominant’s ass. I reasoned with him that if he was going to make me take a bunch of lashings from it and he was such a tough guy, he should have no problem letting me try striking him once or twice. He agreed and I did things very carefully showing extreme restraint. I didn’t want him to go medieval on me following this. I remember feeling alive, strangely titilated by the experience. There is too much confounding though. Was it because of the subject who was spread eagle before me in such a vulnerable position; the very person who for so long had such power over me? Or was it something else all together.
Since leaving my Dominant, I began a LTR with a vanilla man. We have been together for 6 years now. Over the years I’ve often missed being in a D/s relationship as well as missing kink itself. There is an intensity I just haven’t experienced again, outside of the lifestyle. I’ve tried sliding in bits and pieces of kink, rimming him, tea bagging him, sliding just the tip of my tongue all up and down his frenulum, sucking, tugging and biting on his nipples; extending foreplay so long that his arousal is so heightened that there’s pre-cum dripping off his shaft and he’s begging me to fuck him. Things designed to elicit maximum orgasm and pleasure for him. Tantric elements and things of this sort. Of course I’ve hidden the fact that I’ve fantasized about wanting to taking a strap-on to his tight little virgin ass while I reach around and stroke his manhood so that he cums harder and better than he ever has his entire life.
He would never go for this. He is too vanilla. He’d never let me spank him in the right place so that he’d be wanting to be spanked. He’s too sexually repressed.
I often wonder what it would be like to return to the lifestyle but this time from the other position, from being the dominant one. Could I make a good Mistress?
I am not a sadist. I do not enjoy inflicting pain. I don’t even like hurting a caterpillar. However, I can see myself using pain for teaching, learning, exploring. If I felt like it would better my partner in some way, I may consider it, but only the minimum amount necessary to achieve a means to an end.
Within the context of a loving, monogamous D/s relationship, I could definitely see myself using pain to enhance sexual pleasure. Anyone who has ever done kink knows there is a thin line between pain and pleasure. Deliciously so. This I miss.
Alas, this is all a moot point, for I am with an extremely straight-laced, dare I say almost puritanical man with regards to sex. He thinks kink is sick, dirty, and the people who do it are “fucked up” and “crazy”. On many occasions he has said to me “I just don’t understand why a person would want to get whipped.” Try as I have over the years to explain and bridge the gap, there is a disconnect. Perhaps if one has never delved in, one can’t understand.
Sometimes you have to let certain things go and realize the grass is always going to appear greener in another yard. Sometimes that’s okay. Life will be okay even without strap-on fun.