Tag Archives: Food Porn

In the Big house

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In addition to the clinical diagnosis of OCD I received at 19, I know I have body dysmorphia as well.  This is where when you look in the mirror you see a very distorted body image of yourself which is not accurate.  They are not mutually exclusive but can be comorbid diagnoses.   I know I look horrible, but when I point out others who I believe to which I look similar; they say “no way, that it’s simply not true.”  That I am projecting and exaggerating my fears rather than reality .   That is what I see? It isn’t a projection!

So I’m nearly 30 days in on this diet and it feels like I’m stuck in some sort of TV episode of ‘60 Days In’ meets ‘My 600 lb.life.‘

I’m not sure how I can keep doing this same old same old, ad nauseum, ad infinitum?  The old me lived for being alone in a room with my junk food freebasing a box of Little Debbies.    Now? Exercise is supposed to blow my dress back.  Well guess what.  It doesn’t.  It’s work.  And those neural pathways haven’t been created yet so it feels like drudgery.

Something weird has shifted though.  Other than eating Cheetos for that one discrete time, I seem to have developed the old food aversions that I had back a child.  Where I became so emaciated the doctor threatened to put a g-tube in me.

Fears related to food are cropping up all over again.  The same exact fears that caused my anorexia to begin at around age 10-11 years old.   I have severe OCD and get skeeved out pretty easily by a lot of foods.  I am an extremely picky eater.   If I cannot eat something that tastes palatable, I often opt to starve and just skip meals altogether.

It seems my dream of finding a better more healthy relationship with food is slipping away fast.

I feel frustrated.  I don’t know what belies this whole eating disorder and my therapist is not very helpful or insightful one bit.

I hope everyone out there who is on their own diet is able to stick with whatever they are doing.   Send me encouraging thoughts and prayers if you would!

‘Cause right now I’ve got the jailhouse blues.

 


I cheated

I was fantasizing all night about it and by 11:00 pm I couldn’t take it anymore.  I found myself walking as if in a dream-state to the kitchen to get a snack.

But wait! Snacks are not allowed on my diet you say?  You would be correct.  I cheated.   I cheated with my favorite salty crunchy snack.  Cheetos.

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The Cheeto Tiger with his dark glasses, and his brightly colored packaging like a light in the night, I knew he was a devil in disguise.  He and Little Debbie are in cahoots trying to seduce me.  The bastards.  When you add Mrs. Smith into the mix it becomes an unholy union.

I instantly felt guilty.  Thoughts like,”you worthless piece of shit you can’t do anything right”  and “wow you really fucked that up good” are some thoughts which came through my mind with ease.   Now luckily I didn’t devour a whole bag or anything.  But I shouldn’t have had ANY, hello.

The veggies just are losing their luster.  They just bore me now.   It’s starting to feel like government rations.   I need some excitement in my mouth.  I’m sick of bland chicken and beef.

Ugh.  Why in the hell can’t I be like one of these hardcore extremist dieters who never slip up and lose a shit ton of weight in only 2 months?  Well of course I lack any sort of discipline, that goes without saying.  I mean, I was hoping to uncover some other less obvious reasons?

Hopefully this was just a one-night-stand with this junk food .  Hopefully this doesn’t turn into a full-blown affair.

Stay tuned!!!!


Minecrack

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So often times when you are trying to get rid of one addiction, you need to find a healthier substitute to fill that empty space.

I’ve found something which helps me to distract my mental obsession with the food porn, which is everywhere.   It’s like a hamster that runs around on a little wheel in my head.

My defense against the food addict hamster on its wheel,  is Minecraft.

It started out over two weeks ago, I hopped on the PS4 and it’s now gained traction to where it’s now becoming dare I say another thing that I binge on.

I’ve built a penthouse, with a pool, an underground bunker with built-ins for all my chests for my “mined” ore, a nether portal, and use my map to explore all kinds of biomes.  I’m rocking this tween game like a boss.

It’s so addictive, it should be called Minecrack.  Mojang is making a killing.  But hey, as long as I’m staying on the straight and narrow it’s all good.

I’m pretty sure I have a highly addictive personality.  Ahem….

Gotta run now, back to the mines.

 

 


Diet

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So I’ve been on this diet.  I have a crap ton of weight to lose.   I love it when my pot-belllied primary care physician in his mid-60’s told me that I needed to lose weight at my last check-up.  As if it’s something I didnt know? WTF.   I almost wanted  to pretend to over exaggerate falling off that tiny half-table they sit your ass on and say,” Oh my God! I’m over weight?” “is there anything I can do about it doctor?” “Is there any hope?” And then fake cry.

As if I don’t already know and I never look in the damn mirror.  He looks like he’s ready to push out twins mind you….but okay.

Back to the diet.  Let’s start with the word diet.  It’s comprised of the words “die” from the German “dii” and “t”.  That’s because of you don’t go on it, you die and you get a nice cross over your grave after the burial service.  So okay, the etymology was total bullshit but it sounded good.

I have been on said diet since October 7th.  Time feels like dog years or some shit with each day passing.  Each hour is expanding somehow.   I watch other people eating bread and feel envious, and if I spy someone eating pastry? I want to curse at them.  Jealous little thing I am.   In some cruel twist of fate my metabolism has slowed from when I was twenty.  I gain weight looking at their damn cupcake!

All the slicing and the chopping and the vegetable prepping is so labor intensive.   I can’t wait for this dog and pony show to be over.

Where is the healthy food drive-thru?  Where can I order my 4 oz of protein and 8 oz of raw veggies, and 8 oz of steamed spinach to go Mcfast.  Oh that’s right nowhere.  There’s only Mcslop up the street under the Golden Arches.

Every where I turn there is flagrant food porn staring me down, enticing me to “come back.”

I am holding steady though.  Like walking a tight rope 100 feet up.  So far I’ve only tettered on the wire, no falls yet.

I’m still rocking this diet, it’s Day 12 WP peeps.

 


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