Tag Archives: lies

I’m Living in the Upside Down

2E99D821-5D73-4D07-A258-A3A0DBF64ABB

Somehow with all my best laid defenses and a psych degree in hand,  another narcissist was able to work his magic and pique my clinical interest, to engage me in conversation.

It all began 2 years ago when I was on an online support webpage at the bottom of a deep dark depression hoping to crawl out.

Narcissist Personality Disorder is of great clinical interest to me as is other Cluster B personality disorders.

So it all started out rather benign-ish. Said Narc finds me online and poses as a woman to befriend me.  Why I was targeted I will never know.  He explains that he was using a business account, hence the woman profile, which never held any water.  This narc can’t think quickly on his feet.   I ask why he was really on the support page.  He said his wife was trying to kill him and he was there to receive support for her abuse…. more bullshit.  Eventually I call him out on all of it, realizing I have a narc on my hands.   He said he wanted my help.  If it was true, which I had serious doubts,  I was happy to oblige.   If the truth was any stranger it would be fiction.

It didn’t take long for his true intentions to be revealed.  That he wanted to talk dirty, gloating that he can get any woman to swoon.  But I told him with my recent separation and depression,  I was the bell jar.  I wasn’t going to swoon over anything but a funeral pyre.

Over time he wants me to know two very important things about him:   He has a big cock and a big wallet.

Online you can be anyone you want to be.   He could be living in his parents basement with his pet iguana making women squeal for all I know while momma is upstairs cookin’ up some bacon.   STRANGER THINGS have happened.

The difference is that I know he was a narcissist and I did from day one.   I’m a tertiary supply for him.  He comes around when his primary and secondary sources are scant.   Odd hours.   Odd texts which go nowhere.    A strange meme here, an odd web link there.    The whole thing is odd.   It finally dawned on me that’s it.   It’s a dead end.  It’s a mind fuck.  He always leads the conversations back to him and his magnificent cock.  Which by the way I’ve never seen (nor do I want to) just saying.  Right now it’s pure folklore that his cock is the Sasquatch of schlong’s.

I wonder why the hell I keep replying to this fool.  He ghosts me for weeks or months at a time then he flits in like a moth lighting for a moment under my lamp, to say that if I was in his presence I wouldn’t be able to resist him.

Oh joy,  oh rapture, unforeseen.

I had let him know my mom had died. It’s always a bad idea to disclose any personal information.   I was so depressed for the month and a half afterwards that I couldn’t function at all.  I hadn’t responded to anyone’s text messages save for my sister, for a few weeks.   This obviously had upset him, as he texted, “how is you Mom doing ?”

He’s so cold.   Interacting with him is making my self-esteem worse, my depression worse.   I told him recently that I had suicidal thoughts of jumping off a bridge.  Haven’t had anything like this I’m years.   I am beginning to believe he wants me dead.

I always end up feel so degraded.   I have no one to blame but myself.    I went in to this eyes wide open.  I just can’t understand why I’ve let this shit happen.  He uses me like an emotional piece of toilet paper to wipe his ass, save for the fact he has no emotions.   Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.   Usually I have a fair amount of insight, but I cannot seem to figure out why I’m in this mess.

Please, anyone want to take a crack???

 

 

 


Of Mice and Monsters VIII

The relationship had degraded so much and yet I did not know to extricate from it. Fear was a large factor keeping me in it, but also as hard as it is to understand for those who have never been involved with a pathological, I still had a faint hope that he would somehow return to the man I had initially met. The nice, sweet, charming, caring person who was attentive to me and hung on my every word. However, that man whom I fell in love with had fallen away. He was replaced with an empty, selfish, highly sadistic man who ignored my boundaries, was prone to give me silent treatments on a whim for reasons I was told to “figure out.” Every once in awhile that old nice version of him would return leading me to believe it was me that was the problem.  This “intermittent reinforcement” I would later find out, was done deliberately to keep me hooked in the relationship.  At times he even said to me that if I could just stop the (insert bad perceived behavior by him) or begin (insert a desired behavior which he had yet to see from me) than perhaps things could be the way they once were between us. Deep down though, I had a gut feeling he never had any intention of making good with the follow through.

Giving false hope is the devil’s work.

At some point I believe I had chalked up 12 bacterial vaginosis infections in the course of 5 years with him. Prior to knowing him I had never even had one my entire life. My gynecologist said they were sexually indicated but they could be acquired by other means such as swimming in ponds, douching, using tampons and not changing them often enough. Yet none of those applied to me. She made it clear it was not something one could get from a toilet seat. How did I get these infections? I couldn’t help thinking he must be having an affair.  My heart was sad thinking why wasn’t I ever good enough?

There were the middle of the night wake-ups where I’d find him gone out of bed. Only to find him using his phone in the bathroom sitting on the toilet seat checking his voicemail because he couldn’t sleep or so he said.  When questioned about it he would always deflect the question and blame me with an accusatory tone,” how dare you try and control what I do when I am having trouble sleeping!!!” Or that he was booking a doctors appointment. WTF? Are you kidding me.  You are booking a well visit with your primary care physician at 3:30 am?

There were lies.

That he was snow blowing for hours during the winter and couldn’t answer the phone , yet when I arrived I touched the snowblower and the entire machine was totally cold.  He never knew I did this.

Lies about going to his regular AA meeting but when I’d ask what the topic was, who chaired the meeting, or who the speaker was, he said he couldn’t remember. Anyone who is in recovery knows this is total BS unless you are drunk going to the meeting.   He was 26 years sober.

There were so many lies, so many inconsistencies, so many scary things that I had been fervently praying. Begging God to please remove him from my life. To please keep me safe and release me from this man. Day and night I prayed. Because for reasons unknown to me at the time, I could not seem to muster leaving him of my own free will.  Each time that I tried my heart would be overcome with a  sorrow so deep and painful, that I would do anything to avoid that level and degree of pain; including not leaving him.

Then my prayers were answered.

I was on his computer and had noticed a photo that hadn’t been there the week prior.  It was a photo of a naked woman lying on a table, with him wearing a green shirt on with his hand outstretched touching her genitals.

I asked him about it.  He claimed it was from years ago.   I knew it was a lie.   So I said, “All photos have time-stamps, right click on the image and show me it was years ago.”

He replied, “You don’t control me I’m not going to do that.”

I said,” this has nothing to do with control, if you can prove that this was done years ago just go ahead and right click on it and prove me that I’m wrong.”

He said, “get out.”

“Excuse me?”

Get your all your things together and get out , we are done, it’s over Lexi.

I told him, “I’ll be happy to get out if you want to be done , but just the same I want you to show me that the photo was from years ago, prove that I am wrong.”

“Just get out.”

My lip began to quiver and tears began to fall down my face as I begged him,”Please tell me the truth about that photo, I’ve been good this you for 5 years,  I loved you and I don’t deserve lies, please just tell me the truth.”!”

You want the truth?” He said.

Yes,” I whimpered.

“That photo was from when I went to a gang-bang the first year I was with you…….I am a sex addict.  I have gone on Craigslist hookups, done a fair share of swinging,  paid for prostitutes, and have a steady pool of friends with benefits that I have sex with, some that go back for many years,”  he said cooly.

I was shocked, replulsed, and terrified all at the same time.   They say when you die your life flashes before you at rapid speed.   Well it was like that.  I kept thinking of all the sexual partners he had been with.  How many had there been?  Had I been infected with HIV and didn’t even know it?  My heart skipped a beat and my blood ran cold.

Before I could say anything he said,” you need to leave now Lexi, are you happy you got your truth?”

I carried my things to my car.   The cross on his kitchen wall for reasons unknown, slid upside down on the wall and inverted.  It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

As I walked out the door I felt mostly  numb as the tears had already dried on my face.  My thoughts still raced a mile a minute, though mostly consumed with one persistent thought, ‘how could I have been deceived by a man without a conscience.’


The return of “S”

Yes.

Can you believe he returned out of the abyss of how many months having passed…..November?

Sending me an email asking how I am doing.

I don’t know why I am shocked, but I am.

Attached with said email was a beautiful song:it was quite beautiful actually.

I think I should dub him the “disappearing man.”

He spoke of existential angst over spending most of his life alone and fear of his mortality.

I wrote back and let him know that his disappearing act and inability to deal with fallout

from discord from his disappearances is a good bet why his has spent most of his life alone.

surprise surprise, he didn’t write back.

*****

On another note “B” left.

After promising not to leave.

After promising not to yell.

After promising he would “never do anything to hurt me.”

Too many promises broken in such a short amount of time should have been a giant red flag right there.

Too many promises broken period.

He told me when he met me, “my word is my bond.”

Then when he has repeatedly broke his word he said, “yes I did, but you had antagonized me and pissed me off.”

apparently for some,  it only turns out that people only keep their word under certain emotional conditions.

wish I was aware of that little caveat

*****

I don’t know who is worse, me for telling my life story in the first five minutes to a man who doesn’t deserve the trust.

or this man who tells me he loves me and won’t hurt me in the first five minutes after hearing it.

*****

But let’s not thump on poor B shall we.  I am no prize package.  I am insecure, clingy, hide my low self-self esteem behind a well practiced false bravado.   My moods swing like a monkey on a chandelier when I don’t get enough sleep.     I should probably just join a monastic sect somewhere, and live Lord of the Flies style, free of the trappings of society with my dildo.

****

the problem is, the trees don’t hug you back on the island……


%d bloggers like this: