Tag Archives: low self-esteem



Some  days I wish I was back getting whipped by my Daddy Dom, tied to a tree ball gagged and blind folded wearing nothing but a pair of stilettos.


Things seemed easier, everything was so clearly defined.  I didn’t have to make too many decisions.   If I overate, there were immediate consequences; he beat me so hard I couldn’t stand.  He was like a sadistic drill instructor that was up my ass   24/7.   He probably wasn’t helping to manage my eating disorder out of genuine caring; it was self-serving because he wanted me to remain in a slender body .  After all, he was superficial and shallow and had I gained weight he would have dumped me in a heartbeat.

He told me he loved me but I knew somewhere deep inside me that it was a lie.   I hurt but I ended up being okay with it because on some core level I didn’t feel deserving of love.

So the relationship ended up being based almost entirely upon sex.  Which wasn’t all bad.  Right? I mean sex is good.  Even bad sex is good.  Well, until he started telling me his fantasies were about wanting to abduct teenage girls and torture them.  Yeah, that kinda ruined things.   It’s kinda that oh shit moment where you realize it’s a lot bigger than just your relationship going belly up or the loss of your integrity.

My fiancé is sober almost 3 years from alcohol.  He doesn’t beat me for overeating.  He’s not a Daddy dominant.   He doesn’t tie me to trees and cane my tits til their purple.  When I met him he didn’t even know what “rimming” was.    We are a vanilla couple.  He tells me he loves me but deep down I don’t know if I believe it because at that same core level I still don’t believe I am deserving of love.

What is the old saying, you can take the girl out of the city; but you can never really take the city out of the girl.

It seems like whether I am paired with a sociopathic pig or with a decent man the end result is the same, my feelings about myself have not changed over time.  My long-standing operating belief system says “You are bad”.   It is preventing me from any real chance at intimacy.

While I with the ex-Dom I knew that he was a bad man.  I felt bad about myself and suffered a great deal at his hands but I longed for something better.  However,  I figured this was as good as it gets for someone who is broken like me.  In the end I resigned myself that we were just better paired for each together because we were both broken.  He in his sociopathy and I in my victimization.

At present, that the proverbial good guy is finally in my life and I can’t shake off this feeling that I am still not good enough.  Which makes me throw walls up, I don’t want him to get too close.  It’s like I don’t want to infect him with my “broken” poison.   At times when my walls aren’t strong enough to keep him out, I resort to direct self-sabotage methods which are more aggressive,   Mostly verbal attacks.  This causes him to emotionally distance and pull away.   He doesn’t know it’s because I fear he will somehow get contaminated just by being involved with me too closely.

It all started so far back in childhood.  This brokenness.   The feeling unlovable, like I was just “bad.”  I suppose it was a product of the incest, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse.  How much does one have to rehash this shit in therapy before they can be “done”?

I’m just so done with seeing a shrink.   There’s only so much you can tell, the same horror stories without them becoming too activating and re-traumatizing.

I’m coming to the conclusion that maybe some people like me, just stay broken.  I mean, maybe we just do.  Or maybe I just need to take a flight out of the country and just need a geographical break from my life.  Like that movie,” Eat, Pray, Love”.    

Okay.  First pay off  $30,000 in credit card debt.  Then travel abroad.  Then get unbroken.  Find spiritual peace.  In that order.









Toxic Shame

0E6185B6-ADF6-490A-9675-B1E2F5FD549EComplex trauma has left a wound on me that I don’t know will ever heal.  Or maybe it’s that there’s so much scar tissue I just need to get used to that “new normal” of who I’ve  become.

Complex trauma is still a relatively new field of psychology. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder.  (C-PTSD) results from enduring complex trauma.

Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated interpersonal trauma, where the victim is traumatized in captivity, and where there is no perceived way to escape. Ongoing child abuse is captivity abuse because the child cannot escape. Domestic violence is another example. Forced prostitution/sex trafficking is another.

In my particular case, I was a victim of childhood incest.  It is the hardest thing to type that sentence, harder still to say it out loud.  I want to delete the sentence and delete “it” from my history.  Additionally, there was heavy-handed corporal punishment which by today’s standards would be considered physical abuse.   There was definite emotional abuse and at times neglect.  Continual domestic violence pervaded my childhood home.  My home did not often feel like the safe place it should.

Later in adulthood, I was the victim of domestic violence within my two major long-terms relationships.   I don’t know that I even recognized it happening as such it seemed so familiar.  If that makes sense.

All of my life I have struggled with low self-esteem.   Underneath my low self-esteem  belies a  darker feeling .   There is this deep sense of shame I have carried since as long as I can remember.

Unlike ordinary shame, “internalized shame” lingers and changes our self-image. It’s shame that has become “toxic.

When a person is ruled by toxic shame it interferes with their ability to accept positive regard.   For in childhood they internalized the belief of not being worthy of being loved or given any attention.

It dawned on me today as I couldn’t look into the mirror, that I just hate myself because I’m ashamed of me.

I wonder if this shame will ever leave.  I’ve got a new shrink I’ve been seeing for about 9 months.   I’ll call her Lee.  One can’t help but feel disillusioned after 20 years in/out of therapy.   I’ve ditched seeing Lee the past month.  Made up some excuse or other.  I mean everyone needs a mental health day from the mental health provider.   Oh wait this can’t be treatment resistance this soon can it?  I am feeling vulnerable because we are past the point of rapport building, and she’s a quick study.  She sees through my best defense mechanisms, and is trying to dig deeper and I’m running like hell.

There’s no shame in investing in a sturdy paper bag to wear over my head to hide myself, right?  Wearing bags are so much easier than facing your own demons.  ‘Cause Lord knows I’m hoping for a loophole.




Sofa King Successful


Night after night I sit in front of my wide screen TV and binge watch Destination America shows.  Shows like “A Haunting “ and “Kindred Spirits.”  

It’s always some family that has some books start to fly around their house.  Their kids are waking up getting mauled by unseen forces.  Ethereal voices floating through the hall ways of the home.  Doors slamming shut and  what not.

The family always seem to have a “friend” who they call and ask them to bring over the tape recorder, “you know the one you use for the EVP recordings?”

WTF? Seriously. None of my friends have tape recorders and definitely don’t record the spirit world in their spare time.

Inevitably, this friend has another friend who is a ”psychic medium” and comes over to do a reading of the home.  And after the reading they always tell the family there is a “dark entity”.

This is where shit really goes crazy.  As if any family wound have ever stayed with books flying about and kids getting mauled by unseen forces and ethereal voices? Now, you have actual disembodied demon type messages on the EVP threatening to possess the kids and shit.   Thing is I can’t tell whether the word said “I’ll possess him” or “”Let’s get tacos”.  The bastards really are reaching.

So in comes the sage smudge sticks and the weird shaman dude wearing 1970’s vintage bohemian clothes to do a cleansing.

Kid gets possessed, priest is called, kid gets freed, but the entity still lingers and the family have to move out anyways.

The fucked up part is I watch this crap  til 3-4 in the morning full well knowing I need to get up at 7 am.   I still can’t seem to can’t get my shit together and always end up oversleeping.  Could it be that the donkey-like shadow at the end of the episode they actually caught on the thermal camera was so riveting I couldn’t pull away?   Or is it that I’m self-sabotaging to set myself up for failure the next day to reinforce a long-held belief system that I suck?

See all the therapy is paying off after all.  Because now I have insight as to why I’m still functioning at such a low level.

I’m not so fucking successful.   You can take the girl away from the losers, but can you take the belief system that she is a loser out of the girl?

%d bloggers like this: