Tag Archives: #missing you

Broken

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It’s a difficult decision whether or not  to file for bankruptcy.  Particularly in business.  When you have invested so much sweat equity, borrowed on margin at times, and given your last dime to see the thing through.

There comes a time though, when there simply is no return on your investment and you’re in the red.   It’s time to realize it’s gone belly up.  Time for Chapter 11.

So too, a relationship can go the same way.   You read the self-help books, voiced your concerns, arguments happened, distance occurred .  You moved to going to individual therapy, you voiced your concerns, arguments still happened, more distance occurred.   You did the couples counseling gig, the proverbial shit really hit the fan, distance? no…. now there was  just resentment and lots of it.

No one wants to lose such a long-term investment.  But when it becomes a daily dose of vitriol an untenable battlefield emerges, it becomes a veritable toxic environment.  It has become a relationship on life-support.

I find myself in such a position.  My logical brain tells me it’s way past the time to let go and move on and yet my emotions make me second guess my decision.

It’s tearing me up inside and I’ve become physically ill and worn thin.  I can’t sleep anymore, I’m anxious most of the time, I don’t feel joy.  All of this has been ongoing, while I was trying to my bury my mum, who was my best friend, my touch stone.

I rather feel like a gutted fish about now.  The one person who I could always turn to for direction, is with God.  Wherever that is.   I just wish they had WordPress there, so she could could read this and write me back a reply with what to do with my crazy pain-filled shit-show of a life.   She always seemed to know just what to say, from the sage advise to a self-effacing comment to keep me going.  She was always my North Star, I just never thought she’d be up in the sky.   ⭐️

 

 

 


Angels

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It’s been 92 days since my mom died.   I often wonder where she is now.   Where does her soul reside?  I could feel it quietly slip away that night at her bedside.    Mom was more than a good woman, she was the very best.   Gone are the constructs of my childhood, the black and white of what the afterlife looks  like.   The conceptual part of heaven no longer works for me.   I was taught a utopia, free of pain and where all experience only pure love and joy.

It sounds like something I’ve been aching for all along.  I’ve  only caught short-lived glimpses, here and there, like scattered leaves blowing through my life.    The promise of Jesus and of eternal life in heaven?  of resting with His angels is the only hope I have.   I intuitively know I will not find that love here in this world.

Most of my adult life I’ve had a fear which grips me, that I’m damned. So it is only a fleeting hope for me, to join my mom.

“5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to“

Romans 5:5 New King James Version (NKJV)

Mom, you are where the angels soar now, whatever that place is.

This one is for you ❤️

 

 

#missingyou


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