It’s still the same I suppose. Every spring as Easter approaches. I drive past the various Churches, with their steeples acting like beacons, sending their Celestial signal up towards the heavens. I pass there aching to go inside.
The ache rises in my chest as I pass, and then my heart sinks as I sit glued in my seat. My blood runs cold as I nervously think that ‘maybe I am unforgivable’. How dirty I feel. Less than. Not quite good enough to stand next to any of the people donning their Sunday best.
I ache for closeness with Him like I once had. The only One who ever deserved my whole heart, who ever deserved my obedience and love. He was the only One who would never betray me.
I can’t remember when I had stopped talking to Him. Some call it praying. But it was more than that to me. It wasn’t rattling off a bunch of rote prayers, though that was how I had begun. We were close back then. It was like a friend that was sitting at the foot of my bed, just as real as you are reading this now. I’d talk about everything. Then listen. Oh yes, He would answer. He spoke through my intuition, I believe. Sometimes I would ask for a sign. Sometimes He would give me one: a gentle cool breeze on a hot night or a small butterfly dancing at my window just as I would ask.
I had stopped going to church. No one particular reason really and not in anger either. Then a few years later I had stopped praying. Other things had seemed to take precedence. It was like one day He was just gone. You see, it wasn’t an event, rather it was more of a process. Like most good things in life that slip away.
When I tried praying again? it felt empty and perfunctory like I was running through mathematical computations. Something was severed. And I knew it hadn’t been severed by Him. That pain of knowing what I lost has been unbearable. The emptiness, nothing thus far can fill.
A thousand miles I have strayed off that chosen path on which I should have tread, maybe more. It is easy to get lost out there in the darkness. Still easier to stay lost.
I don’t know how I will get back to Him. I’m so far off course and a compass rose made only of hope in my grip. I hope that He finds it in His heart, to forgive me. Hope that this prodigal daughter can come home. Hope that lost Faith will be found.