Tag Archives: sex addiction

Of Mice and Monsters VIII

The relationship had degraded so much and yet I did not know to extricate from it. Fear was a large factor keeping me in it, but also as hard as it is to understand for those who have never been involved with a pathological, I still had a faint hope that he would somehow return to the man I had initially met. The nice, sweet, charming, caring person who was attentive to me and hung on my every word. However, that man whom I fell in love with had fallen away. He was replaced with an empty, selfish, highly sadistic man who ignored my boundaries, was prone to give me silent treatments on a whim for reasons I was told to “figure out.” Every once in awhile that old nice version of him would return leading me to believe it was me that was the problem.  This “intermittent reinforcement” I would later find out, was done deliberately to keep me hooked in the relationship.  At times he even said to me that if I could just stop the (insert bad perceived behavior by him) or begin (insert a desired behavior which he had yet to see from me) than perhaps things could be the way they once were between us. Deep down though, I had a gut feeling he never had any intention of making good with the follow through.

Giving false hope is the devil’s work.

At some point I believe I had chalked up 12 bacterial vaginosis infections in the course of 5 years with him. Prior to knowing him I had never even had one my entire life. My gynecologist said they were sexually indicated but they could be acquired by other means such as swimming in ponds, douching, using tampons and not changing them often enough. Yet none of those applied to me. She made it clear it was not something one could get from a toilet seat. How did I get these infections? I couldn’t help thinking he must be having an affair.  My heart was sad thinking why wasn’t I ever good enough?

There were the middle of the night wake-ups where I’d find him gone out of bed. Only to find him using his phone in the bathroom sitting on the toilet seat checking his voicemail because he couldn’t sleep or so he said.  When questioned about it he would always deflect the question and blame me with an accusatory tone,” how dare you try and control what I do when I am having trouble sleeping!!!” Or that he was booking a doctors appointment. WTF? Are you kidding me.  You are booking a well visit with your primary care physician at 3:30 am?

There were lies.

That he was snow blowing for hours during the winter and couldn’t answer the phone , yet when I arrived I touched the snowblower and the entire machine was totally cold.  He never knew I did this.

Lies about going to his regular AA meeting but when I’d ask what the topic was, who chaired the meeting, or who the speaker was, he said he couldn’t remember. Anyone who is in recovery knows this is total BS unless you are drunk going to the meeting.   He was 26 years sober.

There were so many lies, so many inconsistencies, so many scary things that I had been fervently praying. Begging God to please remove him from my life. To please keep me safe and release me from this man. Day and night I prayed. Because for reasons unknown to me at the time, I could not seem to muster leaving him of my own free will.  Each time that I tried my heart would be overcome with a  sorrow so deep and painful, that I would do anything to avoid that level and degree of pain; including not leaving him.

Then my prayers were answered.

I was on his computer and had noticed a photo that hadn’t been there the week prior.  It was a photo of a naked woman lying on a table, with him wearing a green shirt on with his hand outstretched touching her genitals.

I asked him about it.  He claimed it was from years ago.   I knew it was a lie.   So I said, “All photos have time-stamps, right click on the image and show me it was years ago.”

He replied, “You don’t control me I’m not going to do that.”

I said,” this has nothing to do with control, if you can prove that this was done years ago just go ahead and right click on it and prove me that I’m wrong.”

He said, “get out.”

“Excuse me?”

Get your all your things together and get out , we are done, it’s over Lexi.

I told him, “I’ll be happy to get out if you want to be done , but just the same I want you to show me that the photo was from years ago, prove that I am wrong.”

“Just get out.”

My lip began to quiver and tears began to fall down my face as I begged him,”Please tell me the truth about that photo, I’ve been good this you for 5 years,  I loved you and I don’t deserve lies, please just tell me the truth.”!”

You want the truth?” He said.

Yes,” I whimpered.

“That photo was from when I went to a gang-bang the first year I was with you…….I am a sex addict.  I have gone on Craigslist hookups, done a fair share of swinging,  paid for prostitutes, and have a steady pool of friends with benefits that I have sex with, some that go back for many years,”  he said cooly.

I was shocked, replulsed, and terrified all at the same time.   They say when you die your life flashes before you at rapid speed.   Well it was like that.  I kept thinking of all the sexual partners he had been with.  How many had there been?  Had I been infected with HIV and didn’t even know it?  My heart skipped a beat and my blood ran cold.

Before I could say anything he said,” you need to leave now Lexi, are you happy you got your truth?”

I carried my things to my car.   The cross on his kitchen wall for reasons unknown, slid upside down on the wall and inverted.  It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

As I walked out the door I felt mostly  numb as the tears had already dried on my face.  My thoughts still raced a mile a minute, though mostly consumed with one persistent thought, ‘how could I have been deceived by a man without a conscience.’


Litte Red Riding Whore

It’s been nearly 3 months since he dumped me. ….so into to him I couldn’t walk away no matter what a piece of shit he was.   Cheatings, beatings, lies……..  For 3 and a half years he cheated on me with various prostitutes, couples, Craigslist hookups, and a gangbangs, and as I just recently found out few men too.  None of this was known to me til the last year.  But I thought I could “fix” him.  I really thought if I just loved him enough, he would stop.  He dumped me; a faithful, monogamous woman……to go out with and fuck all them

My heart is still broken.

Last night I finally decided to have a drink with an acquaintance I have spoken with for a year by phone, we shall call him S.

He lives a few towns away.  We click on many levels, but he realized that I was entrenched, knee-deep in shit with my ex and he was busy was pursuing a married woman who was “seperated”.   So although there has been perhaps some interest romantically on both ends, the point was moot.  It has remained utterly platonic and we have never met face to face, that is until last night.

We scheduled to meet at a local pub up the street when he got out of work.

I met S at said establishment at around 11:45.  I was a bit late because I had just received a voicemail on my home phone last night around 11:30 pm from my ex.

I had seen his name come up on called ID and did not pick up.  Who knows why the fuck he calls me, he doesn’t want me anymore.  Oh that’s right he’s a sadist, he enjoys seeing me cry and rubbing my face in pain.   Foolishly, I did check the message and what I heard made me have the dry heaves.

It was not the voice of my ex it was the voice of another man,

Thanks for loaning you ex-boyfriend **** out for the night he fucked my wife real good tonight,  she really enjoyed that big cock, I didn’t realise he was into bondage he really whipped her ass real good.”   Then from out of the background the wife says “oooo I loved it……ohhhh yeah…..he fucked me really good….. oh he fucked me better than ever ……he did things I’ve never even felt before…thank you very much.”    Then my qualifier comes on the phone and says, “these folks are going home now, and now I’m going home.  Have a good night.”

So 5 minutes before I have to go and meet my new friend and our first possible “date” I am choking back dry-heaves and tears.  I am in the bathroom fanning out my eyes and re-applying make-up.   I get to the Pub and meet S.   It is noisy and so loud, the cigarette smoke when the door opens is so thick, I realise it is not conducive to conversation.   Since my son is away for the holiday, I ask S if he would like to come back to my place.  He follows me in his car.  I am very nervous as I have not had another man in my home for 3 and 1/2 years.

Things go really well for the first few hours.  We talk and enjoy great conversation.  I see that he makes some subtle advances and I begin to get nervous because I am realising I am in over my head.  Although I like S very much and find him attractive.  He does have an amazing body and beautiful blue eyes…..I am not ready.   My heart is a mess.  and if you know me, I need to have emotional involvement to have a relationship.  Otherwise he will be a one night stand.  I like S too much, I DON’T want it to go that way.  We have been friends for a year.  Not him……Not now.  But he doesn’t see this.  He continues to make advances.

First base.

I recoil.  He senses I am uncomfortable.  I apologize for pulling away from the kiss.  I feel like a line has been crossed.  I feel like I have betrayed my qualifier in some fucked up way, even though we are long since broken up and I still love him…. that only another victim/ empath would understand.  Some fucked up torch-bearer like me.  Even though I like how he feels, looks, tastes.  I feel what I am doing is wrong.   He tells me we will kiss again in a few minutes.  He is correct.

Second base.

In the pale light of the pc playlist going, I am having actual flashbacks.  My ex and S are the exact age, height, same hair cut, and in this strange light I am having flash backs of “him”.  As S is leaning over kissing me, I am actually seeing my qualifier.  It’s my C- PTSD (Complex-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) I recoil again because I am actually leaving my body. It’s too much to handle and so I’m just leaving.  S notices something is wrong and asks if I am okay and I don’t know what to say.  I tell him “I’m just leaving, just zoning out a bit.”  I am more worried about freaking S out and don’t know what to do.  How can I explain this to him.  The thoughts are intrusive.  They are flashbacks, not me wanting to think about my ex.  My guess probably largely due to the phone call I had just received.  Images of him fucking these people.  S continues puts his hand down my panties, I freeze like a deer in headlights panic and can’t seem to say anything, Much like a child who experiences sexual abuse,  body betrays me and responds anyway.     He probably thinks nothing is wrong.  But inside my mind is going wild my heart is racing out of total terror, not the excitment S is feeling.  I want it all to STOP.

Third base.

Something rises up in me and I finally I  able to get my body to execute what my mind wants to say and stop him cold in his tracks.   I take his hands and just flip him off.  I explain to him my position.  That once you cross that line, you can’t go back to being friends.  and as the words are coming out of my mouth I am simultaneously realising sadly, this man already thinks I am a whore.  This guy never had the intention of getting to know me either, the dirtbag.  He just wanted what he wanted.  Even though not one single solitary man has either touched me nor entered my home in almost 4 years.  Even though my ex has cheated on me scores of times, possibly a hundred by now, scar-ily.  I remained faithful to that sadistic misogynistic pig.   I just want to find a possible relationship and this guy only care about getting off.

Once S realises I am not going to fuck him.  He goes to the bathroom, says he’s going to freshens up and says he is going to head out citing that is will just further frustrate us both to keep going on this way.  Instead he comes out with his pants unzipped and asks me if I want to see how big his cock is as he’s already pulling it out.

I tell him “No!” and that him just leaving unless I did something sexual, is hurtful.

S said nothing and left anyway.

I feel like a filthy whore…..I feel like I have no worth.

All I wanted was to meet him and get to know him better.   Why wasn’t I able to tell him I need to have things move at a slower pace? Why can’t I set boundaries ?

Now this morning I have two pains.  The pain of knowing my ex rubbed my nose in some woman he fucked and how much she liked it and her husband apparently watching and liking it.  and knowing he chooses that over me.  and that he wrote me in an email that he paid $250 on two hookers 2 days earlier for their services.  How bad can I be, that he would rather be with a hooker?

The second pain is that my friend S, left because I wouldn’t fuck him.

The message?  Unless I spread my legs I have no value.

This must be fucking hell.  I must have died on the operating table 2 months ago during surgery.  Life can’t possibly hold this amount of pain.


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