Tag Archives: spiritual journey

Confiteor

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti,

et vobis fratres,

quia peccavi nimis

cogitatione, verboo

pere et omissione:

mea culpa, mea culpa,

mea maxima culpa.

Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem,

omnes angelos et Sanctos,

et vobis fratres,

orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

Amen.

~*~  ~*~  ~*~

I confess to almighty God,

 and to you, my brothers and sisters,

that I have sinned, through my own fault,

in my thoughts and in my words,

in what I have done and in what I have failed to do,

and I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,

all the Angels and Saints,

and you, my brothers and sisters,

to pray for me to the Lord our God.

Amen.

I don’t like change.

I’ve said this for the last 30 years.  So long now I can say this in my sleep.  Next week the Church is going to fuck with this prayer and change the words to make it “new” version of the Roman Missal.  Where was the voting process? Pfffft.  Yeah right.  There wasn’t one.  I think this is bullshit.  I’m not sure what I”m going to do.  I think I’m going to still utter the old prayers and responses while everyone else babbles on with the other shit.

This particular prayer has special meaning for me right now.

I am feeling particularly large amounts of shame and failure in my life.

So this prayer just can’t be fucked with.  It needs to remain intact.

I’ve been sleeping with my Rosary Beads at night.  They were my grandmother’s.  She prayed on them every morning.   They are almost 80 years old.  She even has a relic on there of Saint Padre Pio of Pietrelcina .  He is a canonized Saint who had suffered stigmata.  They bring me comfort.  Knowing that her hands touched them, she was the most holy person I ever knew.  Never said a swear her whole life.  Went to Mass every day.  She was a good, good person.  Always had a smile for everyone.

My soul is in great turmoil.

At a friend’s suggestion, I am going to try take a trip for a 90 days.  I need a hiatus.  A sabbatical.

I’m nervous about this trip.   I’m going to travel light.  I will bring my Bible, I need to start reading that again.  It has been years since I have read it.  My heart has become hardened.   Stubbornly refusing to go God’s way and instead going my own willful way.  Repentance is on the forefront of my mind.  To turn away from sin, change my mind, change my direction, turn towards God…..


Zen as fuck, Chuck

Buddha sought to find a solution to the problem of suffering.  He knew that suffering is inevitable.  We cannot escape it.  We will all be alive, become diseased, and then die.

Suffering by his definition was more “dissatisfaction”, caused by our own mind.  This dissatisfaction stems from our desires.  Our desires stem from our senses and passions.  Touch, smell, sight, hearing, taste.  Our emotional world, what drives us towards something.   Put another way, desires can become out of balance and become problematic:  GLUTTONY, GREED, SLOTH , ENVY, WRATH, PRIDE, LUST.

Therefore suffering has a cause, our mind causes our suffering, the way we look at things and the way we allow them to become out of balance.

The way out of suffering is to make careful choices about our desires.  Find a way to live with our desires, not wipe them out, nor indulge them.

Neither a hedonistic pleasure spree, not an ascetic renunciant, but a balanced middle way of life.

A state of serenity and peace from suffering, as I am learning, can be found in the practice of meditation and becoming mindful.

An ancient poem counsels,

“Like an archer,

an arrow,

the wise man

steadies his trembling mind;

a fickle and restless weapon.

************

“The only gate is now, pay attention to now, to the present moment. the doorway to peace is your own body and mind.  There’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing else to be, there’s no destination, it’s not something to aim for in the afterlife, it’s simply the quality of THIS moment.”- 

– Jane Hirshfield- Poet

 ***********

Lord knows my mind is full of perseveration, obsession and negativity.  I have enough bitterness and resentment that is eating at me, mostly about him.  I find it showing up in my dreams at night if I am able to repress it during the day.  My ex has been coming to me in my dreams since I have been ceasing communications and my compulsions and rituals, I wonder when it will stop.   I hate that he still has power over me even while I sleep.

Although raised in a strict Roman Catholic home, my faith journey has lead me from Latin Mass to an Hasidic Synagogue.  This has already been a lifelong process for me.   Certainly, I find myself in a place of turmoil at present.  I know who my God is and who I pray to every night.  However, the practice of taming the mind is Universal and is open to all.  I am going to embrace this mindfulness practice.  Start small 5 minutes.