Tag Archives: suicide


1166F296-F7BE-441D-98D2-ED7CDD669916My BFF and I have been super close for 6 years as we’ve been through our respective betrayals at the same time together.  Each supporting each other along the way.  Hours on phone lines.  Sometimes meeting up to go for a hike,  for a bite, or just to sit and vent.

Her husband of 25 years who was a police officer had suicided by shooting  himself in the head.  It left her with 3 girls as a single mom.  She moved on with a man who then dumped her after a 6 year relationship like a piece of trash, after points where he said things like,” don’t worry I won’t kill myself over you, you’re not worth it.”  He would  break up then make-up with her later apologizing to her.  Once he dumped her on the anniversary of her late husbands death.   To me, he was bad news.

This last time this man hurt her, it really pissed me off.  He asked her to do a threesome with another guy and it had broke her heart.   Why, she asked me if he loved her would he want to share her with another person? especially a man.  It was like pimping her out.  She said she felt she knew he had probably been unfaithful to her before with other girls but never had enough evidence.  Which is why she didn’t leave.  What if she was wrong? she reasoned.  This,  however really shook her up.  It was a guy? All the times he ghosted her, blew off plans with her, disappeared for hours when she texted him never amounted to a smoking gun; it was always just circumstantial.   I told her to always trust her gut feeling.

There was the time she told me that he sent some dick picks to a friend of his.  Later saying it was “as a joke.”  Another time she said he loved to have anal sex, but rarely face to face sex.  She wondered if she wasn’t attractive enough.  It made her feel really insecure.  Also he has claimed to have ED (erectile dysfunction) and had to take Viagara.  It made having consistent sex challenging because of the cost of the drug apparently.  Not covered by insurance.    Then he mentioned an app called Grindr to her one day.  It’s the gay version of Tinder.  She wondered how he knew about it.  I was secretly wondering if he wasn’t into dudes more than he was women?

My BFF can’t seem to move on from her ex no matter how badly he treated her.  After all he is her ex.  She is dating someone new now but every time she gets a text from this ex, she’s running off to meet him.   When her current boyfriend is out of town, this ex will just find out from stalking the new boyfriend’s FB page that her boyfriend is gone and then show up at her house! He’s always begging her to go back with her.  Asking her is she loves the new guy etc.

When I heard about her getting rectal cancer right after the ex dumped her, I was stunned.  Holy crap.  This is serious and scary.  She had never had anal sex with anyone else and with him wanting a threesome with a man etc, She NEEDS to get over this man.  She says she knows he’s bad for her but she stil loves him.   She’s not sure how to get over him.

I’m pretty sure if she had evidence of him being on Grindr, which he had mentioned, she’d be done.   She asked me point blank if I thought maybe he was bisexual.   Ummm yup.

So what did I do with all this?

I created an account on Grindr to find her ex, because I felt like if  I could find the ex on there, I could finally prove to to her he was a liar.  That because of his deception she would be able to grieve and truly move on.

Even setting up an account was a lot harder than I thought it would be.  There were questions I didn’t know how to answer.   What “tribes” do you belong to? Bear, Leather, Daddy, Twink, Jock, Clean-Cut.  WTF….Then there was another question asking if you were taking “PrEP.”  I had to Google that.  PrEP means Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, and it’s the use of anti-HIV medication that keeps HIV negative people from becoming infected.  Who knew?  I thought barrier methods were the only methods out there.  We’ve come a long way baby!   There was another question which asks if you are HIV negative and to list the date of your last test.

After all that it was show time.   I hit the Grindr highway searching for his mug.  Only to learn you have the be a paying member that be able to “unlock” profiles that are searchable by towns etc.   So looking for him can only be narrowed by race, tribe, and age.  It became like looking for the needle in the proverbial haystack.

So while I’m contemplating all of this, men began messaging me or actually “Kyle” as my profile  suggested I was.   Asking me if was interested in a “blow-n-go.”  Was that even a thing?  Too bad there wasn’t a rub my muff and go.  Ha!! They started started asking me for a pic.   Kyle’s face pic was there so I knew what they must want.

Before I could confirm it, one man fired off two dick pics of his nether region! Holy jumped up schlongs.   This thing looked like it belonged to a donkey.

I mean day-um.   I couldn’t help but admire this man.   I knew I needed a pic to send back so I sent my ex narchole’s tootsie roll back.  I knew there was a reason I had never deleted every shot.

I said he had a nice cock. He said I had a nice cock.   This was the most fucked up sext I think I had ever sent.  I was feeling guilty about even this tiny fake exchange.   I had to go.  Said I needed to go to work.  That was true, I needed to get busy finding my friends ex.

In a sea of handsome faces and ripped abs, a girl can get distracted.  More men started chatting Kyle up.

This one man was so sweet when he sent a photo I expected a nasty genital shot but it was just his face.  He was so nice.  Said he was lonely.  It just resonated so deeply. Because so was I.  I knew right there, I had to bag this whole thing.  I couldn’t ethically proceed any further, even if I couldn’t help my friend.  There were too many nice guys, even if they were just looking for a blow-n-go, I didn’t have the heart to interfere.  It just felt wrong.

The lesson I learned from this was that  hearts can be in the right place but things can still end up with a hurtful outcome, even if that wasn’t the intent.





13 Reasons Why we need Suicide Awareness not just in September


I was born at 1:44 am, when it’s as dark as it can get.  I have struggled for most of my life to feel happy.  To feel loved.  Perhaps that early darkness played a minuscule part and set the stage for the depression that enveloped me later in life and stole my joy.

By the time anyone is reading this, I am gone now.  I’m off to watch the last episode in this Netflix series “13 Reasons Why.”  So sit back, relax, and plug into whatever reading device you’re looking into as I share why this Netflix Original series is super fucking interesting and is bringing much needed awareness to suicide prevention.

I have had the opportunity to meet and got to know many people that survived their suicide attempt.  Twelve admissions to different psychiatric hospitals when I was between age 18-22 enabled me to meet those people.  Those men and women, including myself, didn’t have the wherewithal in their jumbled up mind, to sit down and speak into a microphone and record some kind of vendetta against the people who screwed them over, before actually pulling the plug on their life.  For me it wasn’t about a vendetta, it was about feeling so depressed and dead inside that I just couldn’t go on like that.  Things felt like they would never end.  I blamed no one, in fact blame never even popped into my mind….ever.   I think that’s the only criticism I have of the show is that the protagonist placed blame for her suicide on other people.  It may leave viewers with a notion that all people that Suicide leave the world angry.  That would be both untrue and especially devastating to families of victims. I was never angry , I tried to end my life because I felt hopeless.

By the time one musters the resignation it takes to jump into the noose, pull the trigger, down the pills,  or jump off the bridge; most could give a flying shit about leaving a note for anybody, let alone make 13 cassette tapes.  I know I didn’t.  The people I met didn’t leave notes either.  It honestly never occurred to me, my mind was ultra focused on leaving, not on what I may be leaving behind.

Statistically speaking, victims of suicide only leave notes  3-42% of the time.  Which means that 2/3 of suicides leave this world far more often with no words left said. Of those who do leave notes case studies reveal that the notes usually leave instructions for funeral arrangements or taking care of loved ones and mundane requests such as making sure newspaper subscriptions are cancelled.    The notes lack the sort of logicical solace the bereaved are searching for in this sort of tragedy.

“Suicides are often impulsive, and can be prevented at the last minute.  About 90 percent of people who attempt suicide and survive do not die by suicide. One survey found that 87 percent of people who attempt suicide and survive had deliberated for less than a day, 71 percent for less than an hour, and 24 percent for less than five minutes.

In a particularly vivid example of this, Ken Baldwin, who survived a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, once told the New Yorker’s Tad Friend that as he was falling, he “instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable — except for having just jumped” -Dylan Matthew

For me suicide was an impulsive act born from the wedding  of my mood growing darker and me becoming more isolative.  I never picked out an exact day, only a method.  The timing just instinctively drew near.   More went into building up to doing it and reassuring  myself that things would never change. To me a specific day was inconsequential,  I just knew I’d do it “soon.”  I never told anyone.  Then I sort of woke up and was feeling horrible, I knew it was “the day.” It was pretty arbitrary in that sense.

I had three suicide attempts and an intervened fourth. The first was cutting  my wrist which required stiches.  The second was driving my car into a concrete wall.  There was some damage to my car, not so much to me.  I still got sectioned into the hospital when paramedics found out I drove into the wall on purpose.  The third was taking an entire bottle of prescription pills which landed me on a cardiac telemetry unit.   The last time I was holed up in my mom’s house with her loaded  .22 handgun.  I lay crying on that cold black tiles bathroom floor holding the gun.  My mom called my then psychiatrist and he talked to me on speaker phone through the door. I eventually came out. Each time was more serious and progressively worse.

The myth that women are just seeking attention but that men really do it a myth too.  Men usually pick lethal methods for their first attempt and are therefore “successful” when they try.   That said the old adage of of at first you don’t succeed try try again seems to hold true for women.  Statistically,  try more often, try less lethal method first, but eventually catch up to their male counterparts and succeed…. seems to hold true for women.  My aunt made several attempts on her life and the last ended her on life support in ICU.  It is by the grace of God she is here.

I never picked out an exact day, only a method.  Suicide for me was always impulsive. I was very depressed for a prolonged period of time, I had no access to feelings, I felt numb all the time, dead inside. The suicidal ideations would come and go and then eventually they would build and one day then I just acted on it. Tbere was no way any one could have intervened because there was no way anyone could have known I was planning to do this.

My best friend’s husband attempted suicide 6 years ago.  He took his police service revolver into his car in the wee hours of the morning and shot himself in the head.   He died instantly. He only planned a few details.  To park his car on a main highway where he knew his fellow officers would find him and not his family.  He hung a quilt over the drivers side doors so that any passing motorists would not see the carnage.  He did this at around 4 am so that his suspicious looking vehicle would be discovered at daybreak.  It was very graphic.  His wife, my friend wanted to see him and wanted the car back.  The police told her that neither were options and sent her brother to take a look.  Inside the car were pieces of brain and skull along with significant volume of blood throughout the vehicle.  Once she was told this, viewing her husband was obviously something that she bor the family wanted.

They had four kids.  Four girls that will never have a Dad.  It has affected those girls in horrible ways. Two of them send text messages regularly to Facebook and Instagram hoping that heaven also has these apps.  Old photos and home movies are all they can see of him.  Old voice messages are all they can hear of him.  A cold stone grave is all they can hold onto at birthdays, holidays, hard-to-get-through days.  Suicide is forever.  It can’t be taken back.

Recognize Suicide warning signs can help you intervene at an early point by talking to your friend or family member.  Remember that talking about suicide will not make someone do it.  Ask them how you can help, if you feel it is beyond what you can do, call 911.
Physical changes

•Major changes to sleeping patterns – too much or too little
•Loss of energy
•Loss of interest in personal hygiene or appearance
•Loss of interest in sex
•Sudden and extreme changes in eating habits – either loss of appetite or increase in appetite
•Weight gain or loss
•Increase in minor illnesses

Conversational signs

•No future – “What’s the point? Things are never going to get any better”
•Guilt – “It’s all my fault, I’m to blame”
•Escape – “I can’t take this anymore”
•Alone – “I’m on my own … no-one cares about me”
•Damaged – “I’ve been irreparably damaged… I’ll never be the same again”
•Helpless – “Nothing I do makes a bit of difference, it’s beyond my control”
•Talking about suicide or death
•Planning for suicide


•Alcohol or drug misuse
•Fighting and/or breaking the law
•Withdrawal from family and friends
•Quitting activities that were previously important
•Prior suicidal behaviour
•Putting affairs in order (giving away possessions, especially those that have special significance for the person)
•Writing a suicide note or goodbye letters to people
•Uncharacteristic risk-taking or recklessness (for example driving recklessly)
•Unexplained crying
•Emotional outbursts


Feeling Emotionally Dead        Worthlessness

It can be scary as hell when someone you love reveals or shows signs of suicidal thoughts. However, not taking thoughts of suicide seriously can have a devastating outcome. If you think your friend or family member will hurt herself or someone else, call 911 immediately.

There are a few ways to approach this situation:

•Remove means such as guns, knives or stockpiled pills.
•Calmly ask simple and direct questions, such as “Can I help you call your psychiatrist?” rather than, “Would you rather I call your psychiatrist, your therapist or your case manager?”
•Talk openly and honestly about suicide. •Don’t be afraid to ask questions such as “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” or “Do you have a plan for how you would kill yourself?”
•If there are multiple people, have one person speak at a time
•Ask what you can do to help
•Don’t argue, threaten or raise your voice
•Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong
•If your loved one asks for something, provide it, as long as the request is safe and reasonable
•If you are nervous, try not to fidget or pace
•If your loved one is having hallucinations or delusions, be gentle and sympathetic, but do not get in an argument about whether the delusions or hallucinations are real

You can make a difference for someone who is suffering.  Don’t be afraid to talk to them, it could mean the difference between life or death.  If you are the one who is suffering, please talk to someone, anyone you can about your pain, don’t make a permanent solution to what IS a temporary problem. ❤️





My name is “No”

1A7E9E33-5E9D-4E91-88AD-0AA32703F629.jpegDon’t ask me for my number.

Don’t ask me to call you sometime.

Don’t ask me if I like Shibari.

Don’t ask me if I’ll send you a nude pic

Don’t ask me to sext with you at work.

Don’t ask me to phone you at 3 am and call you Daddy, with my panties pulled down as I touch myself.

Don’t wonder to yourself if I’m thinking about you as I type these words.

‘Cause my former self jumped off that blue bridge over the Connecticut River that night and

ended things in the icy waters below.

Nice to meet you, my name is ‘No.

Rorschach Test


What do you see in the ink blot?

The Rorschach test is a projective psychological test in which subjects’ perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation.

I remember when the test was given to me at 19.   I was in the psych hospital for a suicide attempt.  I felt hopeless and empty  had been for a long time.

At first, I thought about screwing with the tester, albeit briefly, then changed my mind because I was suffering immensely.

He informed me,”I am going to hold up a card and you will just tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Okay?”


card goes up with black ink image only

“Ink blot.

Okay, I forgot to mention that you can say anything except for inkblot.”

Flashes card





“butterfly with goat head


“weird looking bug with skull face


Moth with fangs

card w/ black + red ink image


2nd card black/red


3rd card  black/red


multi-colored card

“well of you want me to look at it as a whole, I see a giant head, but within the upper right corner there is a a goat head with horns, over here in the bottom left there is this sort of devil creature, at the very top I see a baby’s face.”

Tester takes copious notes while I speak then packs up his cards. Day or so later,  I get slapped on Prozac and diagnosed with depression.   Wasn’t that apparent from the suicide attempt?  I’m kind of glad I didn’t screw with the tester.  I could have ended up on massive amounts of Thorazine drooling and shuffling around like the other  blokes aimlessly wandering about that smelled of piss and cigarettes.

My roommate’s depression was so severe that it didn’t respond to medication so they had to strap her down and take her to the basement for ECT aka Shock therapy.  I think she had bilateral (both sides of her brain) zapped to induce the seizure.   She came back looking like Sigourney Weaver had sucked her brain out with a straw and there was nothing left.  She had that 1000 yard stare, empty eyes that penetrate straight through you.

She never did remember me for a few days after she got cooked, despite having known me for nearly a month.  I was always jealous though because ECT patients got to have coffee and Dunkin Donuts after the switch was thrown.

So if you eat your donut and drink your coffee and enjoy it  but don’t remember you do, did it really count?     It’s almost like they never got their coffee and donuts.

What do I see in the blot doctor?  Big Pharma profiting from human suffering.







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